Lets see, been a while since I posted. Saturday, I went to my friends party. On the way there, my parents and I got into it. Nothing new to me though. I ended up having a blast there. We stayed up til 5 am...but got woke up at 9.

Sunday I came home after searching for some place to get my hair done at. I found a place, but I had to make an appointment for Monday. Once I got home, I had tons of homework to do. I ended up finishing my homework at 1, but couldn't fall asleep til 2. Had to get up at 5:30 for school. Almost missed the bus.

Got to school, and I was a zombie basically. I slept the first 10 minutes of 1st period. Then had a test, went to 2nd period and slept all of that period. Then went to 3rd had to do work. Went to Chefs class, and slept on his floor in his office (believe it or not, it was very comfortable). Went to Mr.Walkers class, and slept all throughout that period. Was on my way to 6th Period, and ran into Mrs.Parker, she said "Wanna skip?" I was like if thats what you wanna call it. lol. So I went and talked and laid down in her office all throughout 6th period.

Then, I went to town to get my hair done. Met Chris's mom...she's really cool. My hair looks cool too, I got it partially foiled. Anyway, went home hopped on the computer got in contact with an old friend. They are going to draw me that picture to go with Completion. Ended up watching 7th Heaven, and getting to sleep at 11.

Woke up this morning a little late, barely caught the bus. Got to school, and everyone liked my hair. Had to take the CPT (College Placement Test). Finished just in time for Chefs class, made it there and he asked how it was... I just said boring, but easy. I ended up singing the whole time in his class. I was happy for some odd reason...lol

I went to Mrs.Parkers to take my medicine, Rose (my cousin) was in there. She was like "I heard you went and got your hair done next to my moms salon. Thats really low." I walked out just laughing... I ended up talking to Mrs. Parker later on, and we just laughed about it.

Found out my grades in 2nd and 3rd period. Kinda really upset. I have a 61 D in Mrs.Middletons class (history). I also have a 67 D in Mrs.Mills class (science). I stayed after school and did some extra credit for Mills. Turned in work, and now my grade is a 74 C. (Still sucks).

Then I was leaving, and I was on my cell trying to call my dad. When I bumped into Mr.Walker. We talked all the way to his room. I told him about my grades. He was shocked...likewise with me. So then, I sat out on the bench trying to get ahold of my dad. 20 minutes went by, before I finally got ahold of him. He said it would be another 20 minutes before he got there.

Mr.Walker came back out to go to the teachers restroom. He changed into his gym cloths. He ended up walking back out and returning to his room. another 15 mins go by. Its now 3:25. Mrs.Kauffman carpools with Mr.Walker, she sat out on the bench next to me. Then Mr.Walker came out, he saw I was still waiting for my dad.

He goes "Are you going to make fun of me again?" (referring to his gym cloths). I said no. Mrs.Kauffman goes "You can't beat a horse too much." I go "nah...only if your wearing the tie-dye shirt." He lifts up his sweater, and all three of us start busting out laughing...lol

Then my dad pulls up, and I leave. It was a pretty good day I must say. I got home, and just jammed out to music, and talked to some friends. Finished all of my homework, so I think Im about to call it a night. Im like super duper tired. I've definitely had sleep deprivation. I also wrote a poem last night... So Im gonna post it.

Til Then, PeAcE!
-Gigi

First off, last night, being Thursday night. I haven't gone to sleep yet, and its like 12:30. So its still Friday night to me. Anyway, back to last night, I was talking to Emily about my depressing/suicidal poems. And she was like WHEN THE HECK DID YOU GO BACK THERE? I was like, Im not there... I just write in this state of mind, hoping to have some questions answered.

I told her about how Nurse Parker wrote me and told me how much of an importance I am to her. How I have insight beyond my years, and I only have good stored for me in life. How she said all of this out of the blue, just because she felt like it. Thats the first time anybody has ever said that. Emily said well I care, and I love you as a friend.

I told her that she is only saying that because Im depressed right now, and because of what Im telling you. So anyway, I get to 2nd period today, and she passes me a note. This is what it said:

" I think you ARE awesome and I would absolutely be devastated if you were not here anymore! Got it? So yes, I LOVE YOU and yet you DO mean a lot to your friends! Emy"

This was our conversation throught the rest of the period. I start off, and then we trade off.

"I forgot that you were going to say that. Im feeling a little better today. I talked to Tonya last night about everything, and she knew just what to say since she's gone throught this.

Yeah. Well I'm glad that you are feeling better, I don't like sad and depressing Gigi.

LOL, me either. Do you even know what Tonya Im talking about?

Not a clue. Should I?

Do you know Tonya Hays? She graduated last year. Thats the one Im talking about.

I know of her, I never actually talked to her or anything...What did she advise you?

Well I've known her for 7 years now. Chef and her are really close, he's helped her a lot. He's like her mentor too. So once I told her that I had unanswered questions, she told me more stuff about Chef. Like how she thinks he doesn't realize how much he's helped me. She also thinks that he can't comprehend poetry, and that he doesn't know how I truly feel. So she wants me to try to talk to him one on one. She's even going to help me. She's going to call him today and tell him I want to talk or something like that.

That's great. And I too do not believe he is a man of poetry. But your poems are really to the point.

Yea I know. I don't know what Tonya's going to say though. Do you want to read the final draft of Completion? I finished it last night. Tonya said he should get this.

Yeah. It's much better, Like a lot better. I actually love it. So when are you going to give it to Chef?

I was going to try today. But I don't know how I should do it.

Just leave it on his desk or someplace you know he'll see it.

No, I always give them to him in person. But I want a response from him. A true response, not its good, or I like it. Its the best you've done. I want to know what he got from it, if he understood it completely. I want answers to my questions.

Then stay after, make him read it in front of you. Then ask him about it. Probe him.

I've done that before, but he never answers, and I usually don't have the courage to speak. Thats where Tonya comes in. Plus, I have to find a day to stay after.

You don't need courage, just pretend like he's your best friend or something. Its about being comfortable with him. Just talk, What's so hard about that?

I don't know whats so hard about it. Im just not good with emotions, thats why I write.

You're going to have to learn how to TALK about what you're feeling, everyone else has to. OR people will think your heartless, which you are the total opposite of that.

Yea, Im trying to learn, I just need to be worked with. I have started to do really well with my closest friends.

Yeah. Well you just need to not give a F**k about what they think. And if you think by talking about how you feel is a weakness, it's not. Let me assure you, It just means you're human."

Ok... I ended up not showing Chef the poem. I chickened yet again...whats new? This is a conversation between Trish and I not but like 2 hours ago.

Me- Oh...did you know I chickened again?
Trish- ?
Me- on speaking to Chef.
Trish- ok?
Me- I called Tonya when I got home, and told her. And she's like... Really? I thought you would do it today. then I asked if she called him today. She said she left a message at 10:30, called back at 12:15. But he said a class was coming in and he'd call her at 2. But he never did. Then we talked, and she said she'd try to call him again, and I guess talk to him and mention me or something.

blah blah blah about other things.

Me- Yea, tonights been a weird night. I hardly ever listen to 12 Stones. They are all that I have listened to tonight. Its because all of their songs are like talking about pain and how they feel like crap, and how they are waiting for something. And I am still depressed.
Trish- oh, Im sorry.
Me- yea...I was going to write a long e-mail to somebody and just start rambling on about how I feel. But I didn't know who to write to.
Trish- oh
Me- Yea, I was thinking either Mr.Walker or Mrs.Parker
Trish- yea
Me- who though?
Trish- idk
Me- well who would you write out of them?
Trish- Parker, I don't know Walker
Me- yea...I knew that was coming... I think she would respond better too. Mr.Walker wouldn't really know what to say. This is basically how Im feeling.
Trish - Yea?
Me- I walk to the edge again, searching for the truth
Taken by the memories of all that i've been
Through
If i could hear your voice i know that i would be
Okay
I know that i've been wrong but i'm begging you
To stay, won't you stay

Will you be here or will i be alone, will i be
Scared, you'll teach me how to be strong and if i
Fall down will you help me carry on, i cannot do
This alone

I wish that i could turn back time just to have
One more chance to be the man i need to be, i
Pray you'll understand if i could hear your
Voice i know that i would be okay i know that i've
Been wrong but i'm begging you to stay, won't
You stay

I need your hand to help me make it through
Again
Nothing compares to how i feel when i look at
You
You never know, you never know tomorrow
You never know, you never know tomorrow, don't
Walk away
I am not alone i know you're there
Me- Thats a song by 12 Stones titled Stay. Who do you think it reminds me of?
Trish- Im not sure, Chef?
Me- Yea, and this is the song that describes my feelings about my parents.
I find myself in question again
And I doubt this Love you've given to me
I hope you understand when I say
I need this time to myself

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life

I know your open arms too well
Cause I’ve lost myself there many times before
I need to slowly fall away
Far from the grip you have on me

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life
I find these words were never true
I've lost all my respect for you
I need to find my own way
It's my life

I shouldn't feel this way,
I can't get away.
Just leave me alone.
I can't be this way.
Please

I gotta get away
One step away
I gotta get away
Just one step away
I gotta away you're pushing me away
I gotta get away
Well I'm gone

blah blah blah about hw.
Trish- Im tired
Me- Me too. But I won't be going to bed any time soon, I have way too much on my mind that I need to get out. I was actually thinking about calling Chef today...but nope...not me.
Trish- lol
Me- Im for real, I need to get all of this out of my head. Its built up and its making me fall behind in classes. I haven't done homework this whole week because of it.
Trish- Wow
Me- yea, its getting to the point where I could care less about school til I solve this.
Trish- oh
Me- See...and I don't understand why I feel this way. I have a feeling, but Im not positive.
Trish- oh, Sorry.
Me- yea...this is why I want to talk to Chef so bad. I want answers to my questions, I want reactions to my thoughts, I want responses to my poems. I want to be outspoken, and finally tell him how I feel.

Then she went to bed.

Well Im going to bed too. I never wrote that e-mail to Mrs.Parker, I might do it tomorrow. We'll see. Im really tired now. Thanks for reading if you kept up with it all. If you did so, comment on any ideas that might help me.
-Til then, PeAcE!
Gigi

Love comes in many forms,
What form do I want,
What form do I seek,
What form have I found?

Is it an intense feeling of affection;
A deep romantic or sexual attachment;
An object of liking;
Or its own purifying description?

When love ran into me,
It was an unrecognizable substance.
Flowing through my veins,
Soon becoming an addiction,
As if something I needed to survive.
It’s an uncommon feeling surrounding my inner most thoughts,
Coming up from behind; taking me off guard.
Opening up my eyes, and revealing what I’ve found.

I found that I had an unsolved puzzle hidden away.
This puzzle needed solving;
I just didn’t know where to begin.

What was keeping me from solving this?
Betrayal, denial, or confusion?
Fear from finding out the truth,
Or having to face a new obstacle?
I now have the courage to start solving.
I don’t know what the puzzle is to be,
I don’t know what to look for as the outer edges,
Or the inner pieces.

I didn’t know what Love I wanted to discover,
Or what the love might mean.
I thought finding a companion would be it.
Snuggling at night,
Cuddling during the day.
Sharing secrets, and sweet kisses.

Then I found out I was longing for more,
Something beyond touching.
My soul needed to be healed,
The companion couldn’t provide this.

So I decide to go back to my unsolved puzzle.
Still unsure of what it is to be.
Pondering upon whether it could be one of these:
My family gathering by the lake?
My friends and I playing at the park?
Or God with His open arms?

There is this love that you receive from family.
I haven’t quite embraced this love.
I try grasping onto a far more deeper connection.
A connection with someone to watch over me; protect me.
Someone to love me, guide me, and notice the inner me.

As I find more pieces, I began to find my love.
It slips through the cracks in my wall;
Slowly my wall starts to break.
Letting this sensation flow through,
Bringing me happiness and joy;
As if my life is becoming complete.

The puzzle becomes clear like a day of shine.
A green grassed hilltop forms;
Bright yellow sunflowers;
A ruffled clear blue lake;
And a rising sun over the horizon.
There’s just one piece missing,
One piece keeping me from being complete.

This love is between two people,
Different in many ways,
But similar in mind.
Who are these two that control this love,
Who are hidden between these lines,
Who keeps the heart of one beating,
While the other’s beating heart slowly writes these words?
The two I discover are me and you.

I’m the writer.
You’re the giver.
You breathe life into me;
Allowing my heart to continue beating.
When I sought love,
You gave it.
Showing me how much you cared;
Letting me find my last piece.

The fog hiding the last piece starts to fade away,
My heart beats gradually grow,
As my time of solving approaches.
This picture perfect puzzle is coming together.
Revealing to me what has made me complete.

The times spent talking,
Spent laughing.
Hours telling tales,
And hours just staring.
No words are spoken,
Yet the eyes meet.
Those times I cherish the most.

We’re like mimes-
We can see through the box,
We just can’t move out.
The bond grows with every moment shared.
Every spoken word,
And every stare.

Once I realized what I had,
I thought it was too late.
Two weeks into summer,
And my heart was breaking.
Why? What had happened?

The bond was fading,
The love was disappearing.
It was the company I missed,
The quiet stares,
The long talks.
That’s when I knew...
It had to be Love.

Now that my puzzle is complete, this is what I see.
A figure sitting upon this hilltop.
Gazing over their shoulder at the fascinating scene.
Their face illuminates, like a shooting star on a late summers eve.
Their stare reaches out beyond the picture itself,
Reaching all the way to my own.
I now know what has made me whole.

When I awake in the morning,
And I’m really down,
I come across your face,
And it all washes away.
Suddenly I’m happy;
It’s like I’m complete.
Your stare accomplished that...
Not alone, but through Love.

Will I be able to look into your eyes,
And know you feel the same?
If I asked would you reveal the truth;
Or keep it hidden; allow the questions to remain?

This love keeps my soul alive,
Without it, I’m frozen in fear.
My life will continue on,
But my soul will wilt and die.
Just to let you know,
Through this love, you have made me whole.

By: Ginger Lorraine Smith
2/9/06

Hope everyone enjoys this one. I am going to try to get the puzzle drawn from a friend. I have a sketch already made. If he does draw it for me, then I will scan it on here.
-Gigi

What do I do with my life?
There’s nowhere to go,
No one to turn to,
No one to look upon.

No one seems to care,
As I cry out at night,
As I drag myself around,
As I slowly fade away.

Would anyone be there,
Would anyone say bye,
Would you in particular,
Be there when I decide to die?

Would you try to stop me,
Would you finally tell me you care?
That’s if you even do...
Or would you just let me leave alone,
Would you reveal how much you didn’t care.

Nothing can take this pain away,
I thought you could,
But you seemed to shut me out today.
You seem to pass me by,
Not even saying hi.

You never answer when I cry out,
You have yet to say what I want to hear,
I thought this would be my turn around year.
But its starting to be the same as the past.
I don’t think I was built last....

-Ginger Smith 2/9/06

Lately I have been really depressed, and I really want answers from Chef. So this was written for him. I wish I would receive an answer.

Sick and tired of this slump,
This slump that I call life.
Thoughts go in and out of my head,
Some even wishing I were dead.
Struggling to carry on,
A force pulls me to reach out,
Reach out to you.

Tears flow down my face,
Nothing I can do, but allow them to fall.
Something is telling me I need to continue on,
Continue to struggle to survive.

I want to get through this hell hole,
That some might consider my life.
I want to move on over this,
But I don’t want to leave my friends behind.
I don’t want to leave my structured home,
Home that some consider school.

Im terrified of what will happen if I stay,
Im worried about what people will say if I leave.
Im encouraged that there is only good to come,
But I fear this is the good, and soon it will become hell.

My heart is already freezing up,
Starting to take over the rest of my cold body.
My blood is starting to run dry,
As I fear what is to be my life.

What can possibly become of this,
What can I possibly become?
Is it worth it, living on a little more?
Or shall I continue to fly away...
Shall I continue to wilt and die?

Im letting the fear take over,
I don’t know who cares anymore,
I don’t know what sign Im waiting for,
What hope is left to last.
I don’t know what faith I have,
I don’t know how much I have left,
Until I give up and die.....
-Ginger Smith 2/8/06

This was the poem I wrote last night. Please leave a comment every now and then. Also...all of that poem is true. I've just kept it all away.
-Gigi