Urg...I don't know how to start this post off, Let me say...most of this is copied and pasted straight from an e-mail I just sent to Mrs. Parker. She wrote a poem last night, and showed it to me today... (from that you should understand what Im talking about)...
First off, I'll start off with your poem. It was very well put together. I would have talked about it more earlier, but I was trying to hold stuff in... I don't do well with emotions in public. Your poem almost brought me to tears... well it kinda did inside, but yet again, I was holding it in. It also brought back a lot of memories of Michael. And a bunch of other things that have been going through my mind these past couple of days.
Yet again, my parents and I are at each others throats. I don't think I'll be getting a vehicle after all...They said they didn't have money, and all the income tax (which they get tomorrow) is going to getting their room, and the guest room done. Like pulling the carpets out and getting wooden tile (or something like that). For one...nobody ever goes in the guest room, its just storage for the moment. Thats not taking up all the income tax either though. They want to do some more renovating, more stuff we honestly don't need. I don't remember what else mom said they're doing, but she made it clear that Im not getting a vehicle or anything at that matter. That didn't bother me, what did though...was what they did last night. They had no money (supposively)...and they go to town. They got home at like 10:30. Mom comes in all drunk, dad being an asshole (excuse my language). Mom starts telling me that they bought a new mower (we have a perfectly good one, dad cut the grass yesterday with it). They bought a new washing machine (yet again, we have a perfectly good working one, so what if its rusty on the outside). And then they bought a pressure washer (which will be used maybe 3 times throughout the whole year). I mean...not wanting to be selfish, and wanting a vehicle, but I would put it to use, unlike a pressure washer, and an un-needed washer and mower. Bus is fine with me though... literally, thats not the least of my worries.
Also yesterday, I don't remember what dad came in here and started showing me or saying at that matter. All I know is he smelled of weed, and let me tell you. I HATE THAT SMELL. I told him I didn't care, you stink of weed leave. (this isn't uncommon). He sits here and tries to say Im smelling a banana he just ate. OH....I JUST WANTED TO HIT HIM. Its the Smith blood running through him, that's what I've always been told...but I've got that same blood, and you don't see me acting like a complete downright dirty no good for nothing liar. I told him to own up to what you do for petes sake. Then he stormed out and made it as if Im the bad guy. Trying to say... oh, why can't you look at the good, haven't you noticed I haven't smoked cigs for 2 days...I interrupted him and said NO..I haven't noticed, and I don't care either...you do what you please, just don't come around me with it, I'm tired of trying to lead you in the right way, when its not even my job. So figure it out on your own, you didn't need my help before, and you certainly don't need it now, or my judgement on your quitting.
Im literally tired of being the leader, the one setting the examples, the one heading towards greatness (that part I don't mind). But I mean... they put so much pressure on me, if I don't hold up to their standards of getting straight A's with a slight B here or there, then I get yelled at, downsized. But everytime I say its wrong of them to smoke, drink, lie, or whatever they do...then Im at wrong. I know they birthed me, they raised me...but what does that really have to do with anything anymore? So what...they're older, but Im wiser. I know what Im talking about...I know whats right, and whats wrong. And what they do is certainly wrong, I don't care what law says, or what politics, government, or any of that other screwed up crap...I say its wrong in the eyes of society, in my eyes...They're harming themselves. But Im tired of caring about that either...For the past 8 years of my life, I have tried to change them, try to show them the right way...but they must not care what I feel. Mom has told me that she feels like she has choosen drugs over me, and your damn right they have...but she still continues to do them. I mean, isn't that like a nail on the head...Hey I think this, and I believe its true, so shouldn't I stop and go in a new direction, try to correct my wrong doings?
Trying to be the good christian is really becoming hard. My parents throw it in my face every chance they get. I'll have to ride in the car with them, or I'll walk inside to get something to eat or go to the bathroom. They'll make a remark, and I'll just nod, or say ok, or not comment at all. Then comes the comments "If you were a true christian, then you'd treat us better." They have no room to talk, I'm doing a way better job than they are at this being a christian duty I've given myself. Everytime I play my music in the car, a good song will come on, one that I know might hit them and make them think. I'll tell them to listen, and they'll start yelling at me "You listen to this shit all the fucking time." Then they'll turn it off. Then last night after they got home and told me about spending money that they told me they didn't have earlier. I was talking to Leah and Trish. I told them about it, and how Im getting really fed up, and that Im about to lose it, about to crack, about to break down for good. I told them that I don't care about turning 16...whats the big deal, its one day out of the year where people recognize you and say whoopdie doo, your another fucking year older. So this one is suppose to be a memoriable one, your right it will...but it probably won't be good. I don't even think my parents realize that its in 11 days. Im not going to mention it, Im going to find out. Lets see how much they really pay attention to me.
Back to talking to Leah and Trish...at this point, Leah kept telling me to tell them, don't ruin my sweet 16...but you know what, this is probably the only way in proving to myself, and others just how much they don't care. If they somehow remember, then it will probably be because someone slips it to them, or Steph calls about her b-day which is March 11th. Or one of the outer family members call, or if I get the once a year happy b-day card from the pastor. Onto Trish, she cracked my bubble, I was really upset, and she didn't make it any better. I told you how Sunday night I was going through old stuff of mine. Well I ran across a bunch of old pictures. I found a few that really disguisted me. But this one caught my eye. I'll have to show you tomorrow, but Im going to go ahead and describe it. Its my mom and dad, I don't know what year, but I must have been young because there is a baby bottle in the background, (there's just me and my bro, and my bro has a different dad. So it was mine). Anyway... They're posing for the pic (I wish I knew who was taking it). Moms sitting in a chair, while dad is next to her kinda hugging her. In one hand, he's got a bottle of Corona, and in the other he has a joint. He's got the biggest smile ever. Mom has her hands full too. kinda gross to describe, but she's grabbing some (lets just say jewels, nuts, balls....). While her other hand is on the other end of my dad (behind). Yet again...wide grin. What kind of parents are these that I was given???
So yea, I sent that picture to Trish, cause she constantly defends them..and she's only met them once and only one side of them. I told her maybe this would enlighten her and bring her a new perspective to my so called parents. She yet again went straight to defending them.."Maybe they were just having fun. You can't judge."
Here comes that throwing the christian duty back in my face. Yes the bible says don't judge others, yes it says obey your father and your mother...But it also says "Love the sinner, not the sin"...this is a sin. Thats something meant to be kept between them, not disposed on film, and the weed should have never been brought into the picture. They shouldn't have been bragging about what they do...So I then went off on Trish a little. I told her that Im tired of people throwing this christian duty in my face. Then she said "Well people wouldn't if you didn't throw it in theirs." Which I guess is right, cause I am always saying "Wordy Dirty", or something along that nature about cussing. So I told her, Fine if people want it that way, then I'll just shut my mouth, I won't speak up. Let people do what they want, if thats what I have to do to get people to lay off my case, then I'll do it.
I don't know where Im going with this at this point... Oh yea, another thing that I think is wrong, is how my dad has a pot leaf in a photo album, he boasts about that stupid thing "Look what I grew". To quote what Mr.Walker said about it "Some people just never learn." And he's right...
I honestly don't know how I got from your poem to all of this stuff, but Im glad I got it out...Im about to go crazy over here... I literally am about to give up on christian duty all together...I know who my saviour is, I know who God is, I believe in God, I believe He sent His one and only begotten Son to die on the cross for my sins. But its too much for me, causes too much stress. I don't know if I was better off before, just pretending to like my parents, hiding everything about me from everyone, sitting in a corner to keep from others, and listening to rap music about sex....Or now, when I let it all out, listen to music about God and problems I face everyday, speaking up, showing people the real me, and not pretending to like the ones I hate. I honestly don't know...Im bound to find out soon enough though...
I think its time for a new chapter to my life....but I don't know if I'll ever get to writing it. Oh, and honestly, tell me what you think of this one... yesterday dad asked me to help him while he climbed up on the roof. I had this weird vision (yes Im one of those weird people), and I envisioned him falling of the roof, and dying on impact. That was it, that was the whole vision. Well...I started thinking about it, and I don't feel an ounce of care, I don't feel as if it would have bothered me at all if that would have happened...To others that might seem really heartless and mean. But to me, it doesn't phase me. I've had many people die in my family, and many close family friends. I've never cried over someone besides Michael. Grandpa? no. G. Grandpa? no. Other family members that I have forgotten about? nope...close family friends? nope... I don't know...Im about to give up on life entirely...I've lost my interest in school work, lost my strive for success, lost my motivation in proving them wrong...There's no satisfaction in that anymore...What am I saying? 2 more years...thats it...I've made it almost 16 now, I can make it another 2 years...yes I will make it...I can make it. Urg...feel free to hit many at any time when I start thinking like that...
Im really going to stop writing now...You're gonna get fed up with opening my mail (probably almost there as it is...lol). why did I put lol...I didn't laugh out loud. Im literally going nutziod. I'll talk to you later, yet again...thanks for just letting me get that out...I needed some way in getting that out...someone who might actually understand. Once again...bravo on the poem, it was b-e-a-utiful! (remember...I never use that word, so feel special, like you already should feel). I have to give Tyson and Goldie a bath...I'll be back on in like an hour. Til Then.
-Ginger
I decided to not even bother with taking pieces out. So some of that was directed straight to Mrs. Parker. You can comment on it if you feel like it, you can asker some of the questions I asked her...whatever. I guess I'll talk to everyone later. Bye!
-Ginger
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