Well, last night I was putting together my poetry book, and I was using my blog for reference on the meanings behind some of my poems. I ran across the post "Lost My Senses", and I started to bring up old memories, and how I've always been a strong and inspiring person. Lately, I've been very dependent on my teachers, especially Mrs. Parker. That post though, helped me to realize that I don't necessarily need them to survive in this world.

So because of that, I have decided to start using my blog more (that's if I can remember to do so). I want to start keeping it as a journal again, not just for my poems. I want to be able to look back on this in a few months, or maybe even years. I want to remember the things that made me smile, or upset me. So...I'll start of with today.

Like I mentioned earlier, I was working on my poetry book last night. It's titled, "Lazy Days: Poems and Thoughts". I was only able to make one copy because I was low on printer ink. I knew exactly who would receive that copy, Mrs. Parker. I went to school today and gave that to her. I am really impressed with myself lately, I have grown so much these past few months. Emotionally, Socially, Intellectually, and just all around. My writing has matured, and my thoughts have strengthen to being my own. Just looking through some of my older posts, I can tell the difference in my writing. It's amazing how one can change so much.

I know why I've changed so much, it's because I got into poetry a lot. Once I started writing poetry, my English scores increased, my literature developed, and my grammar became the person I am. It's like something that bothers me a lot, I'm actually irritated that some of my friends signed my yearbook, and used the wrong your. It's like "Ginger, Your a cool person." Umm, no... it should be "Ginger, You're a cool person."

Back to today though, I had a meeting at school for the Dual Enrollment students only. Which Dual Enrollment is the option that I took up to be enrolled at my high school, and the community college. I found out that my high school is offering a lot more dual enrollment classes next year. So I went and got my schedule changed. I dropped Executive interning and took up Teaching Assisting and the computer class. Also during the Spring Term, I'm going to try to take the teaching classes. If you haven't noticed, I've decided to persue my goals in the educational field. The principal has already told me that she would hire me to work there. So I'm getting a head start on my degree.

Other than that, nothing else really happened today. I was pulled into a hug by Mrs. Parker, which was weird, but hugs are nice. Yes...I'm changing, hugs don't bother me like they use to.

I'm beginning to feel deeply saddened that the school year is coming to a close. There is only 6 more days left in school, and that isn't enough for me. I wish it didn't have to end, because I feel like some of the friendships that I have gained, might deteriorate over the Summer. I hope that isn't the case though. Plus, next year I won't have Mr. Walker...boo hoo hoo. Well I'm off to work on my independent projects. (I've been doing a lot of those lately).

I've changed my ending saying. It's no longer "Til Then, PeAcE!"
It has become,

Peace Out!
-Gigi

“Prayers”

Sitting all alone, I begin to pray.
“Dear God, don’t let me stray
Hold me in the palm of your hands,
Guide me, and show me your plans.
Lead me in the right direction,
Be my protection.
Remove my mind of wicked suggestions,
Start out by answering my questions.
What has begun to form,
To cause this emotional storm?
Oh dear God, re-enter my heart,
And never depart.”

Back in that day,
Nothing was okay.
I had to make a silent plea.
Just to gain this feeling of being free.
I felt my life begin to slip,
It felt as if my heart beat took a trip.
Down memory lane, I started to stroll,
Continually losing grip of my soul.
Farther and Farther my goals were out of reach.
As I turned my ear, listening to You preach.

Upon hearing, I began to understand,
That none of this was ever planned.
Yet it still continues to rip at my chest,
Eating at my insides, becoming a pest.
I confided in someone I thought cared,
Now I’m not sure if the friendship can be repaired.

Just upon bringing up memories, I’m in tears,
My soul is being washed over with my own fears.
Even after all the years, and all the prayers,
It seems as if not even you really cares.
When I was at my highest point,
You crushed it with much disappoint.
Brought in pain and sorrow,
Wanting me to continue on til tomorrow.
But I didn’t see a point, since you showed no sympathy,
When I was crying down on one knee.

No longer can I remain an Eagle in the sky,
My wings are broken, I can’t continue to fly.
There are thorns rupturing my heart,
Continually tearing me apart.
My soul aches for love,
The love that I have been deprived of.
My soul bleeds for your love,
That I have fallen short of.
I got down to my knee and began to pray,
As my aching grew with each and every day.

“Oh Lord, I have a battered soul,
That I want you to patrol.
Reach all the way in, and take control,
Start to close the gap and fill this empty hole.
Jesus, I have nothing else to say,
Except for that sometimes I lose my way.
I fall deep down into a death trap,
Relinquishing myself from Your only map.
Maybe I can’t accept this life that’s mine,
But you can always reach down and give me a sign.
Show me just why I feel so alone,
Reveal to me the unknown.”

By: Ginger L. Smith
5-15-06

“Space”

My heart beats,
As my soul runs on empty.
I’m longing for an understanding,
To what is deteriorating before my eyes.

I gave you space
Hoping for the healing to
Take place, and erase whatever caused
The distance growing between the two of us.

Have you begun
To notice the sudden change
In my routine and the hello here and there.
I’m missing your presence, and the silent stares.

I wish for you back,
But only if you want it too.
For I don’t want to become a burden,
Or someone you can’t stand to be around...

By: Ginger Lorraine Smith
5-8-06

“You”

As I turn the hall,
There you are.
As I open the door,
There you are.
When I look away,
It’s you I hear.
When I plug my ears,
I still hear your voice.
When I walk away,
It’s your footsteps I hear.
When I turn the corner,
It’s you I knock into.
When I fall to the ground,
It’s you that picks me up.
When I fall asleep,
It’s you I dream up.
When I wake in the morn,
It’s you I see.
When I die in the end,
It’s you I want next to me.

By: Ginger Smith
5-10-06

“Haunting of the past”

Thoughts run through my mind,
Of everything I thought I left behind.
My past has come back,
As one single attack.
Years have gone by,
Without a single try.
I never thought that I would fall.
As I recall.
I told myself I’d grow from here,
And continue on year after year.
But to my own surprise,
I was living in lies.
Lies to others, but mostly to myself.
I hid the truth up on a shelf.
Hid the pain deep within my soul.
Hiding my biggest hole,
Which is right in the center of my heart.
Every time I think about it, I fall apart.
The things I quit,
I admit,
Were wrong, cruel, and not for me.
With that I can agree.
Yet now I see myself going back to those,
Cause I suppose,
There’s nothing left for me.
I can’t change anything to the slightest degree.
My past is haunting me again,
Bringing me a great deal of pain.
I don’t know what to do anymore,
Except to fall victim, and be who I was before.

By: Ginger Smith
5-10-06

Here is the final product of Unaware.

“Unaware”
Sitting in the corner, waiting to talk to you.
Wishing the words would begin to flow,
Like the river next to the plateau.
It’s time to step up, for this is something overdue.

If my knees stay strong, and not grow weak,
Then I’ll attempt to get past the start.
And allow the rest to flow from within my heart.
Yet again I postpone it til later in the week.

The week goes by, and the sun goes down.
My chances of talking with you have past.
I opened my eyes, to see the week fly by fast.
If only I could have turned my decisions around.

The guilt has swelled up in the back of my head.
Of how I was closed off from you and unable to share,
Your meaning in my life; and now I must remain unaware,
From knowing just what you might have said.

By: Ginger Smith
5-10-06

“Missing”
I’m missing the early morning readings,
The late night writings.
The afternoon talks,
The joy of giving up a piece of my heart.

What has happened to those genuine words,
That brought me back when I wandered out to space?
I think back to before you opened your door,
Would it be as difficult to go on,
If that would have never been?

I want you to keep that piece of my heart,
That I gave away months ago,
For without it, I’ve become whole.
I traded it for talks and advice,
And in the end, you’ve changed my life.

If only you could see,
Just how much you mean to me.
Than maybe you’d have a better understanding
As to why this is killing me inside.

I envy your family,
And the love they receive.
If only that was me,
Being held in your arms.
Being told goodnight,
A story to relieve my pain.
A finger to wipe away my tear.

Whether you believe it or not,
You’re the best thing going in my life.
Days and days have pasted without a single word,
Not a meaningful conversation.
I’m beginning to feel
What it is to lose the dearest thing you love.

By: Ginger L. Smith
5-5-06