Wow... Im trying to get back to normal. And Ive been thinking since making that last post, and receiving a comment that made me think even more. You know yesterday, I was really upset. For one, the Colts got knocked out of the playoffs, and I mean that ticked me off. So what did I do? I went for a walk, hoping to blow off some steam, I was so careless. I mean I jumped out in the road, and a truck had to slam on their brakes. At the time I was just hoping that they would have hit me, ended my misery. But come to think of it today "God put me on this Earth to play a part in life, he put me on here for a purpose, and that purpose wasn't to go through hell and back, and not overcome it." I haven't found that purpose, but Im going to. Also, God put me where I am, because he knew I could handle it.

Yes, I sit here all day and listen to music, play pool, and just talk with people. But hey, its my life, I can either deal with it or do something about it. Right now, Im trying to do something about it. I just haven't figured out what. Thats what I need advice on. Today I have had the house to myself, home alone. But Im use to that, I actually enjoy it, even though its not much of a difference from when my parents are home. I still sit here and jam out to music. My parents aren't that bad, yes they still do drugs, but I can't change that. I just have to look past it. My dad works at a bar, I hate that bar, my uncle owns it. I can't stand my uncle because of it, its like he is taking my dad away from me. I don't ever answer the phone when the bar, or my uncle calls. Because I know what its about "Hey Jimmy, can you come work?"
My mom, she is a nurse, and what she does is she works every Monday-Friday til 5:30. Then she is so tired when she gets home, that she goes to sleep by 8. Sometimes my parents want to watch a movie, but Im not much of a movie person. Then like today, they wanted me to go fishing with them. Should I have gone? Maybe I should, maybe it would have helped my healing process. But I don't like fishing, and anytime we try to have quality time, it always ends in disaster. But, Im going to try to change, and maybe in the process my parents will too.

What was this post about? I forgot where I was heading with this. Well, maybe that helped people realize that I might over exaggerate about my parents. Not by much though. I mean I have an older brother, I don't know why he doesn't feel the same about growing up here. He was neglected by my mom. We have different dads, and my brother was shipped off to live with his real father, who did beat him. And gave him 5$ a day to live off of. I don't have it that bad, so maybe I should stop complaining. Realize the good I do have. But my brother did eventually move back in with us when he was 14 I think. And the reason he got along with my parents is because he was also into drugs, and still is til this day. But when he turned 16, my parents allowed him to join in with them. So it was all 3 of them, against me.

I just honestly have to say, Im thankful for my life, thankful Ive overcome what I have. Gotten through the bad, and still struggling to get on, but making it. God always pulls me through, and he will continue to do so. Thanks everyone for listening to me, and my thoughts. Sorry if I confused a bunch of people with my last post. I was just trying to show ya'll more of what I have been through, and why I am so depressed.

Time to move on, whatever you do, if anyone ever has Children, remember its your responsibility to take care of them. They are to come before you, they are weak helpless beings, and their parents are suppose to help them, nurture them, and guide them through life. It should not be the other way around. It shouldn't be the child showing the parents up, and setting the good example, as in my case.

God forgive my parents for what they have done to not only me, but my brother. Forgive them for showing him drugs, and allowing him to follow in their bad steps. Forgive them for sending me to my uncles house, and abandoning me when I was in need. And last but not least, Forgive me for forgetting that you can pull me through.
-Amen

Its been a couple days, and I have just been really depressed. I just don't know where my life is leading to, or what I should do. I thought everything was fine with my family. I got it over with, and I forgave them, but I just can't live my life like this. I mean, I spend each and every single given day on this computer. And when Im not on here Im either sleeping, or at school. School is my only enjoyment in life that is keeping me going. No, there is actually another thing keeping me going, that is my cooking teacher Chef. I don't know why, but he just talks with me, and helps me pull through. But Im not sure if he really cares for me as a human being or just another one of his students. My life growing up has been very horrific, I just can't explain it. I will copy and paste some of a conversation that I just had with a friend. This is me asking her if she has ever been through these things, which I have been through.

Have you ever had a mob of Cops come running into your house at 10 o'clock at night, and shoving you and your mom into your bedroom. And watching your dad be put into handcuffs and taken away in a patrol car, and your mom being questioned for drugs?

Have you ever had to lie and lie again and again for you parents. Could never tell anybody what they did, or what was troubling you at home. But you had to keep it all bundled up inside, and had to stay hidden away from all your friends. Nobody could come over because your parents would be stoned each and every day, and I couldn't let anybody know it?

Have you ever had your older brother have to babysit you, but he would throw you around the house. And if you told him you hate him, and wished he would die, he pulled out a knife and said "Then kill me". Or has your brother ever thrown you on concrete just because you wanted to play basketball with him and his friends?

Have you ever wanted your parents to go to church with you so bad because you thought it could heal them, but they turned you down just to go do drugs? And when you would ask where they would go, they said "none of your damn business." Then come to find out 8 months later that they were involved with cocaine.

Or worse of all, when you were 10 years old, and your parents wanted to go do drugs, but had to send you away. They would send you to your aunt and uncles house... and you would beg and beg "please send me somewhere else, not there, anywhere but there." They would send you anyway, and you would be molested that same night by your worst nightmare that was suppose to be your loving uncle?

Atleast you have a family that loves you, unlike mine. They still haven't changed, and never will. They still do drugs, and do you see a pattern in how shitty my life is. What is involved that has made my life so shitty...lets just say one thing. "DRUGS"...but they don't care for me, or else they would have stopped

When your mom gets so drunk, and you still try to help her even though your so mad inside at her. And what do you get in return for trying to help her. The shit beat out of you. You get your hair pulled, sand in your eyes, bruises from rolling down stairs. Slaps across the face, punches, scratches. Thats what I get for trying to help.

With all of that said, I need help. If anybody had any ideas on what I should do, please help. Im tired of being depressed, and having noone to talk to. Noone to help pull me through, noone to comfort me when in need. Please anybody, Send me another angel, I wish Chef could have been that person. But he just doesn't see how much he means to me.

Sincerely,
Depressed yet again.
Ginger Lorraine Smith

This is the last post tonight, I promise.
These are some Raps Ive written for people. Excuse the language in some of them, it goes with the rhythm so I stuck them in.

"Catie"
Way back in the day,
We would go out and play.
Kids and adults were so fowl,
They would ask if you really survived that owl.
We’ve been cool,
All the way through school.
You are a really great friend,
It will be like that til the very end.
We grew up in church, even though we slip away,
We never really go astray.
We remember Him in everything we do,
He always pulls us through.
We hang just about everyday,
Because that’s the way,
Our friendship should be,
As I think back, Gee,
Its been what at least 10 years,
And we made it through the rough tears.
We went to our first concert together,
We saw Christians Rock, whether
We’re sick, or in a bad mood,
We are never rude.
We keep content,
Even when we have to vent.
Are friendship has lasted with God,
Which isn’t very odd.
You stuck by me even through my wrestling times,
So this is why Im writing these rhymes.
To tell you of how good of a person you are,
Your one of my best friends by far.
Thanks for being there throughout the years,
You’ve helped me overcome my fears.
Sincerely your friend,
Til the very end.

"Turkey"
Ok, let me think back, ay?
I remember a time way back in the day,
We had one class,
Which I helped you pass.
We chased after the same guy,
We both wanted a piece of that pie.
We went onto the 7th grade,
Our friendship began to fade.
But we kept it real,
For this was the real deal.
I even acted like a girl,
At first I wanted to hurl.
That got me thinking, yup.
So then I soon gave up,
We finally entered the 8th,
And we kept our faith.
We had English together,
We made it through the rough weather.
We hated that teacher,
It was a double feature,
For we had her two years in a row,
Which went by so slow.
Then we entered High school,
We thought we were so cool.
I don’t remember much from 9th grade,
Oh, I remember that I liked lemonade.
I was the big wrestling fan,
And I dressed like a man.
You just liked to hang out,
Just to get your attention, I need to shout.
For I really like Beef Jerky,
And Im always gonna call you “Turkey”!
*Written for my friend Amber*

"Trishy Poo"
Yo, let me start this one off right,
This ones really going to be tight.
I remember back when I saw a girl play the flute,
She sure knew how to make that thing toot.
She dropped out of band,
Once she entered a new land.
While I still played in the brass,
I met her again in Chefs class.
On the first day of school,
I looked like a complete fool.
But then I ran into her,
Nothing was a blur.
I could see,
And it all came back to me,
We hung just about everyday,
Making fun of Mingle being gay.
But we still made sure to cook,
Then one night, I picked up my phone book.
I made a call to a certain someone,
It sure was a lot of fun.
Once I went back to Chefs class,
I watched her constantly bust her ass.
It was burn after burn,
Pretty soon she should learn.
We’ve entered another year,
We all start to cheer.
We’ve got Chefs again,
She still doesn’t know how to end the pain.
For she took out a knife,
Which could have ended someone’s life.
It was a pretty bad cut,
Man is she a nut.
What should we do,
With Trishy Poo?

Last, my favorite rap. All true too. Over the years, Chef has told us funny stories in his life. I put them together in this rap. He really liked it, made him laugh.

"The Humor of Chef"
My eyes start to blink,
But then I start to think.
I entered your class,
I fell onto my ass.
For when I heard you speak,
I made a loud shriek.
For you sound like Hugh Grant,
But look like an overgrown ant.
So let me represent,
As I make fun of your accent.
You’re a tall scrawny dude,
That likes to cook food.
While in hot pursuit,
You ran outside in your birthday suit.
It was the middle of the night,
And you interrupted your cats fight.
You tapped out to a little girl,
All because she put you in a leg curl.
You passed out on a nurse,
Why you were at it, why didn’t you steal her purse?
Wow, those were some great times,
Don’t you just like my rhymes?
Now that Im done thinking,
I will continue my blinking.

The Next day after writing "Untitled", I thought it over, and I don't wanna shut people out of my life to rid my pain in the future. I couldn't get to sleep that night. I didn't know why, but I got up wrote this poem, and I finally felt at ease and fell asleep.

"A New Beginning"
I was a beast,
Til I was washed with peace.
I am ready to break through,
Show the world what they already knew.
Open up again,
Make people grin.
I can’t wait any longer,
For I can’t get any stronger.
Im a butterfly in a cocoon,
Just ready to bloom.
I jump up like some springs,
I open up my wings.
Im not broken,
I just needed to be awoken.
Now Im soaring above it all,
Bound never to fall.
Flying in the sky so high,
I watch the terror go by and by.
Im leaving it behind,
A cocoon starts to unwind,
I watch to see,
Curious as to who it could be.
It’s a beautiful transaction,
You can’t receive more satisfaction.
They had committed a crime,
But through time,
Their broken wing was healed,
They kept nothing sealed.
Their face is but a blur,
I can see the cure.
For there are scars,
They are just like monkey bars.
Just an obstacle to get through,
For this was my clue.
They don’t need to speak,
I can see how they use to be weak.
It was hard to get here,
I place them in front of a mirror.
The face becomes clear,
For what I saw in the mirror,
Was a reflection of who I use to be,
And then the new me.

*Behind the poem-
"It's my testimony on how I found God through it all yet again, over the bumps and bruises. Its like when a girl said to me "I hope never to fall again." Well this is saying sometimes things will happen, you just have to hold onto your faith and know that he will get you through it. When I put this person in front of the mirror, their face became clear and it was the old me before I found Christ. And then there I was standing next to that old me, the new me... the me that has found Christ and can't fall again. The old me I don't want to become again, which God showed me my different reflections so I could see this. The new me was a reflection of me when I was at my highest point in life, the time with Christ. Which I want to remain there forever, sometimes I may fall, but then God leads me back to this mirror to remind me of this. The poem says Im ready to open up again, show the world what they already knew, this is because they already knew both me's. Im just ready to show them again the new me. I wanna spread my wings, for they aren't broken anymore. Im strong again, I can't get any stronger. This is why its time to shine, fly above it all. I've done it before, and Im ready to do it again." -Ginger Smith

This poem was written about a week after my surgery. I was very depressed.It was because I got bad news about losing a close friend who I concider a brother. He didn't die, but we weren't going to be able to communicate anymore. It made me realize who its going to hurt to lose Chef. All of those thoughts came out in this poem.

"Untitled"
This is my story,
Not with much glory.
A very sad ending,
To a fairy tale beginning.
And this is how it goes,
I never will get close.
To anyone again,
For I never win.
I let my guard down,
I let you come around.
I started to get close,
Right underneath my nose.
I was beginning to grow fond,
There came the bond.
It got very strong,
Didn’t take long.
But that’s gone away,
For you can’t stay.
There’s nothing I can do,
But say Goodbye to you.
This could be only for now,
But I am making a vow.
To never get close,
Because this is how it goes.
The memories I gain,
But in the end is pain.
Was it worth it?
Maybe just a bit.
Can I risk getting attached to another?
Even if he’s like my brother.
He will leave as well,
I shall lock myself in a cell.
Remain from the outer world,
I’ll never get bored.
I shall never be pained,
From losing all I’ve gained.
So I sit here and cry,
While I say my final goodbye.