I am warning everyone...stop right here if your not willing to read something very very long. This is my whole life up to this point.

Born on March 10th, 1990.
About a week old, my momma took me to see my grandma in West Virginia.
From what I have heard, I had failure breathing, I was rushed to a near by hospital, and brought back to life. I was soon brought home, but our home was destroyed. A tree had fallen on the house, landed right on the room where my swing was. That could have been me. But I was gone, in a hospital being brought back to life already. From what I remember from my very early years in life, I knew I loved dogs. I had 2 at the time. Smokey, and Red. A small little Chihuahua named Smokey, and a big Lab named Red. I’ve seen home videos where I would play with these little adorable creatures, (Although I was the little one). I’ve also seen videos of myself playing in the kitchen with pots and pans. I guess every little kid did that. I don’t know why, but from the face on the camera, I enjoyed it.
1st Birthday March 10th, 1991.
Oh Man, wasn’t this just a fun one. I don’t really remember this b-day all too well either. I know that it was one of my best though. My best gift was from my oldest brother Carl. He got me a stuffed frog that actually ribbets when shaken. I still have that frog to this day. Best gift I’ve ever received in all my years. Also on my 1st birthday, I remember my b-day cake. I had two. One for myself, and one for the guests. We actually got me eating the cake on camera, and Danny (my cousin) stole a piece, dropped it on the floor, picked it up, and ate it anyway. Can you say gross???? Before I turned the age two, I don’t really remember anything. I do remember a time when I was dropped on my head. My parents were fighting, my mom was really into God at the time. She stopped everything. Smoking, drinking, cursing, everything. She stayed up 4 days in a row just reading the bible. She was praying 24/7. My dad didn’t like it, because he was still doing other things. They got into a fight over it, and my mom cracked. She ended up throwing me on the ground. So I really wasn’t dropped, I was thrown. My mom ended up having to go to an insane institution for a week.
2nd Birthday March 10th, 1992.
I honestly don’t remember a thing from my 2nd birthday. I don’t even remember anything in this time period between my 2nd and 3rd birthday, so lets skip this time.
3rd Birthday March 10th, 1993.
I still don’t remember much at this time in my life. I know I had a really good friend named Amber Vance. If Im not mistaken, we spent this birthday together. Her birthday is March 15th, so Im positive we shared this one. So now lets move on some more...
4th Birthday March 10th, 1994.
Still not remembering anything... this is pretty sad. I think this was the time that my brother was kicked out of the house. Yes, cause he was 12 when he was kicked out, and he is 8 years older than me. So in this time period, my brother was shipped off to live with his real dad. I took over his room, but I really missed him. Anytime that my parents and I would get into fights, and I would throw my tantrums, I would cry at nights calling for my “bobo”. Come save me BOBO! That’s all I remember.
5th Birthday March 10th, 1995
5th birthday...man, Im not good with memories this far back. I know this was when Terry entered the Smith’s lives. He moved in with my aunt Jenifer just as a tutor to Jolene, my aunts oldest daughter. My aunt grew to fall in love with Terry, he was a good man. He taught us children morals. (Its like Im talking as if Im here in the story but yet Im not here...Im older, weird). Danny was beginning to grow to be a smart little man. Only at the age of 6, and Jolene being 10. The whole LaBeouf family, (Jenifer, Danny, and Jolene, with the addition of Terry), lived in a two story house on the lake near the fish camp. In the same year, this house was burnt down. Luckily noone was at the house when the person set it on fire. I remember losing a lot of things, my favorite thing that was lost was the lite bright. It was the coolest thing going. I remember Jolene, Danny, and I playing on a swing that was outside. It was a paint can bucket that hung from a huge rope. We were so small, that it actually held us up. Anytime we go and visit the lot where the house use to be, that swing still is hanging there. All rusted, but still there, memories and all.
6th Birthday March 10th, 1996
This was when I regained my memories. I remember this birthday quite well, this was when Danny had gotten in trouble for hitting us girls. Jolene, Rose, and myself. He had to stand in the corner outside, while the rest of us swung on the swing set. I also remember playing with water balloons. This was the year that I started going to school. Well, I was already in school. But I passed Kindergarten this year. I had Mrs. Cox for kindergarten, she was the coolest teacher ever. I remember crying on the first day because I didn’t like it, and I just wanted to go home. (Now you always see me crying when I have to go home for periods of time). At this age in time, I also enjoyed to play with playdoh, yes everyone knows that little clay that kids enjoy to play with. I liked to take knifes, and cut little arts and crafts with it. Well, I didn’t like the dull knife that came with the playdoh package. So, I took a steak knife to my room and played with it. I ended up stabbing my left hand right between the thumb and index finger. Had to get my hand all bandaged up. Before I turned 7, I don’t know what date, but sometime in 1996, Terry and Jenifer decided to get married. I remember the wedding like it was yesterday. It was all the women in red, and the guys in black. I ended up dancing with Terry at the reception. Amber Vance was there with me, we all had fun I will admit. But that fun didn’t last too long.
7th Birthday March 10th, 1997.
At the age of 7, my life began to change a little. This was when I began to pick up on piano. I remember the first song that I was taught to play. That was “Jesus Loves You.” I was beginning piano lessons with Mrs. Meadows, the piano player at the church. I don’t remember my birthday as you can see. I know this was the year that I was in 1st and beginning 2nd grade. I remember in 1st grade going to a Halloween festival that the school hosted. I got some spider rings, and other neat little toys. I also think this was the Christmas that we went to West Virginia, I remember making a snowman with my dad. And meeting one of the neighbors. I climbed up the mountains. It was my first time seeing snow. Also, in 97 my dad broke his back. He was directing a machine truck to backup, and the truck ran into him. My dad fell into a deep hole, and when he fell, he grabbed the sides, and he turned his back completely to the opposite side. He had to have major surgery, and got workers compensation.
8th Birthday March 10th 1998.
Turning 8, don’t really remember that age too well either. I was in the 3rd grade. I had Mrs. Tanner, and my oh my did I hate that teacher. I remember not being allowed to go to a field trip because she didn’t like me. My mom tried to transfer me out of her class, and that didn’t work. My mom couldn’t stand her, and thought she was a very messed up woman.
9th Birthday March 10th, 1999.
Don’t remember my birthday, I just know I turned 9. This was also the year that I began 4th grade. Onto starting 4th grade, this was when my aunt Julie and the kids, Jacob, Amy, and Rose moved back to Florida from Chicago. I had never met them before, so this was a first for me. My parents thought it would be good for me to transfer schools so that I could stay with my Aunt and cousins. I didn’t like it one bit. I hated going to McRae Elementary. I hated it so much, that I ended up getting referrals like crazy. I had 8 in total that year. I played for the soccer team, and that kept me busy. I also played Kick ball. This was also the year, that Dalton aka Steven Orr moved to Florahome from Gainesville. We clicked so well that we decided to hook up. (Yes, I agree... we were too young.) I remember the first night though, Dalton’s older brother Roger took us up to the fort/ tree house, and taught us how to kiss. (I can’t believe I am writing this.) From there on...everyone knows how it goes. I was Dalton’s first, and him mine. 4th grade was also the first time I got my hair cut. By accident that is, I didn’t want it short. I was very anxious to get my hair cut though, so I allowed my brother to cut it. Still to this day, he says it was my fault that it ended up being a buzz cut. But it was his, he can’t cut hair. Anyway, so yea...I had the boys hair cut before the bad even happened.
10th Birthday March 10th 2000.
Millennium, that what it was. This was the year where at New Years, my parents let me and the other cousins get “slightly drunk”. I know I was a little out of it, and we got it all on tape, and sent it to my grandparents since this all happened at their house while they were out of town. I think my grandparents burnt the tape though, because they disapproved of it so much. As you already know, this was also the year that Terry turned on me. (Supposedly he had already turned on Jolene, but this wasn’t known til after everything was out in the open.) All I remember from the first time it happened was being at my aunt Jenifers and Terry’s house. Terry, Jenifer, Danny, and I were in the computer room. Danny playing playstation, and Terry was showing me how to play a game on the computer. My Aunt Jenifer decided it was time to take a shower, so she left. Danny was still playing playstation, and the next thing I know. It happened.... (Im not ready to go more in detail with what happened that dreaded night). What he said that night was not to tell anyone or else he would hurt me or a family member. So I kept everything hidden terrified of what he might do. Oh yea, my 10th birthday was the best before all of that happened. I got a Go-Kart. It was the coolest thing ever. Other incidents that happened between Terry and I. I remember times when we would go out on the lake, and he would be in the water and mess with me. Times at his house when nobody was there, and Danny was busy doing something else. The most traumatic incident was the time when I was on one computer, and Danny was on the other. Both in the same room, but back to back. So our backs were to each other. Terry sat on the floor next to me, and he was acting like he was showing me a new game to make Danny think nothing was up. But it was a completely different story. What happened was Terry brought a new thing into my life, that was too early for me to know of. Yes, he pulled out his “little man”. I was so scared, and didn’t know what to think. He asked me if I wanted to play with it, or to just touch it for him. I didn’t know what to do, so I like made a loud noise, something to make Danny think I lost in my game. It worked too, Danny turned and looked, and Terry got the hint and left. From there, he kinda stopped messing with me. It wasn’t like an everyday thing, or once a week thing. It slowed down to maybe once a month. Soon, I told Danny what was going on, and it got back to Jolene. Who then admitted it was happening to her as well. But during 5th grade, I remember I started to bring chaos to school, and that was when I started my first counseling with the guidance counselor at the school. This counseling was for my attitude, and problems at home. I still never told her or anyone besides Danny and Jolene what was going on. Then I graduated from Melrose Elementary. Had to wear a dress too, (Gosh, I really hate those things). Come February 4th 2001, Rose was staying the night. We were talking, and I told her everything that had happened with Terry, and what was going on. So she ran out to my brothers room. Even though he was sleeping, she told him what was going on. My brother was drunk, so he didn’t know what to say or do. He just said ok, we will talk about this tomorrow. Of course the next morning, he was hung over and had forgotten everything that was said the night before. He went to hang out with friends, (what he tells me happened that day is this). He was smoking weed with some buddies of his. When he had the joint, he jumped up and said “Holy Shit, Rose told me last night that Ginger is being molested by Terry. Fuck, I gotta go now.” Then he picked up the phone, called me and I said yes it was true. He ended up getting in his car, and he was crying, and wrecked his car on the way over he was so out of it and upset. There went that car. So, he told my parents what was going on, and my parents were really shocked, and so they called my grandparents, who then called my aunt Jenifer, (which by the way, today was her birthday, February 5th.) She ended up calling Jolene to confirm that it had happened to her as well. Jenifer ended up breaking down, and she picked up Jolene and Danny, and we all went to the Fish Camp, my grandparents store and house. Then we made a plan, Terry was still at work. He called looking for Jenifer when he was on his way home. My grandma said nobody knew where she was or the kids. Terry knew something was up, but wasn’t sure just yet. My mom, Danny, Jolene, aunt Jenifer, and myself went to the Clay County Jail to report everything. The Jailhouse isn’t but a few blocks from Jenifer and Terry’s house. We saw him drive by, and we know he saw our vehicles. He called my grandma, and said he saw that we were there, and asked what it was about. She said “You know what it was about. So quit hiding it.” He said, “Ok, so I did do it, but they asked for it, they never said to stop. They brought it onto themselves.” (This was when my heart was broken...the next line still haunts me.) My grandma said “Terry, I believe you, I want you to do this for me, and the girls. I want you to run, get out of state, and never look back. Don’t worry about going to jail. Just don’t ever come back, and start a new life. The girls will heal, they had it coming for them.” Of course, Terry did just that. He ran, we don’t know where. But 3 days later, he came back and reported himself after being pulled over for speeding or something like that.
11th Birthday March 10th, 2001
Well my 11th birthday came, and went. Everything was starting to unfold. I started going to Price Middle School. I really liked it. I joined the band, wanting to play the piano, but couldn’t. So I picked up the Trumpet. I started off really well, on an account that I could already read music, and my brother use to play trumpet, so he helped me out some. Also, this was when I had to stop playing softball. I had been playing for 3 years, and 2 of those I went to All Stars in Orlando. The reason I had to stop was because one day Amber Vance and I were playing on my scooters out on the driveway, and I fell off of mine, and somehow it broke my right wrist. (Not cool). About a month or two into school, I was called up to the office, where there was Children and Families representatives. They wanted to speak with me about what had happened with Terry. I didn’t like this, for one I was in school, and I didn’t want people to know anything. Too late, people were already very suspicious with why I was being investigated by Children and Families. So, I decided to tell my closest friends. Catie, and Amber V. already knew. That was about it. That’s all I told. After the first few visits with Children and Families, the first court order came. I remember it like it was yesterday. I hadn’t seen Terry in about 2 months. He came out in cuffs, and was standing in front of the judge, in a big orange suit. My whole family was there. All of the Smiths that is. The only one’s that didn’t show up were Jenifer, and my brother. Jolene and I were ordered to come. My mom ended up standing up and speaking. This is what was said. The exact copy.
“I always believed that I should trust my gut feeling. In the beginning of my sister-in-law and Terry’s relationship my husband and I thought that something wasn’t quite with Terry. However, we saw how much Jenifer loved him and the kids also liked him. So, we welcomed him into our family with open arms. We thought Terry was doing a world of good for the family, teaching morals to the children, helping them understand right from wrong.
He has totally destroyed our family, especially Jenifer, her daughter and his other victim Jolene, Jolene’s brother Danny, and my Ginger. He has taken their freedom away from them. My daughter is afraid to climb a rope in PE at school for fear that her coach is looking up her shirt or shorts. That is what sexual abuse does to someone. It destroys their self esteem. My son, Carl, who told us about the abuse as soon as he found out, is now on medication to help him deal with his anger. I haven’t seen him cry in years. He is emotionally distraught; he can’t be here today because he stated that he would not be able to keep himself from attacking Terry.
For 2 years Ginger wanted to be a boy. She was called Tom at school. She stopped getting awards at school and began to participate in counseling. She was placed on medication for ADHD. After Terry was incarcerated the awards came back, she lost weight, and the fits of rage stopped.
I just hope and pray that he never has the opportunity to destroy another innocent child. I was a victim once and never told my mother for 26 years. I know how much pain it has caused me; the abuse still effects me and my relationships today. I can’t imagine how the years of abuse will effect Ginger and Jolene. Hopefully through counseling and the support of their families they will rise above it.
I can’t believe he has betrayed our family like this. He told my sister-in-law, his wife, “ I can’t believe they told, I stopped months ago.” I know why they told, because they could no longer bear it. I hope the Lord has his vengeance.”

That was the exact thing that was said at court that day. That describes just about everything. Yet, the court still hadn’t decided on a verdict. So we went to more and more court cases. Til finally they decided to just give him 7 years. Also, in this year, I went to my very first wrestling match. I went to Jacksonville, and I got 5th row seats from the ring. Saw some great performers. I really enjoyed it.
12th birthday March 10th, 2002
I really liked this birthday of mine. I remember going to Palatka to meet George and Geoff Stults from 7th Heaven. I started 7th grade, and I really loved it. I met Mr. Little, he was a really cool teacher. He called me....Gingerbread. (Arg...irritated me, but it stuck, and I got use to it). Soon a lot of people were starting to call me that throughout the school. But it was ok...I didn’t mind. This was when my aunt Jenifer met Hank. I thought he was a really nice guy, but what do I know anymore? He took us four wheeling in the mud, which was really fun. This was also the year that we got our pool and spa. Dad’s money from his workers compensation. I went on a band trip this year, I went to Gatlenburg Tennessee. We stayed about a week. I remember hanging with a bunch of friends, and spending almost 80$ on my moms mother day gift, even though I only had 90$ left to last me for 3 more days. I hung out with Mrs. Kirby, and her daughter Kelsey.
13th birthday March 10th, 2003
Becoming a teenager. Not that big of a deal for me. I started 8th grade, I was hyper as ever. I was bet my some friends to cut my hair. So on January 31st, 2004. I went and got my hair cut, (notice this was before I turned 13). I got it cute super short, and had red and blonde streaks. It was my way to get attention, and 70$ for the bet. I ended up going to Orlando for the band trip. I played piano this year in the jazz band. I got awards for outstanding performance on the piano solos. I felt special. I went to my first football game this year, I went to watch the Buccaneers vs the Jaguars. I had so much fun, and it was really cool. Then, on December 14th, 2003. I went to my 2nd Wrestling event. I went to Orlando Fl, at the TD Waterhouse Centre. This was the big wrestling event I went to. It was a pay-per-view event, Armageddon. I got to see some of my favorite performs. I got to see my favorite wrestling Goldberg, he was huge in person. I had 2nd row from the ring. One of the best nights of my life. I got a lot of awards this year in school. Some of those being the GP (Georgia Pacific) Award, for having a GPA over 3.83 all 3 years in middle school. Only 21 students were awarded that at Price. I also got the Presidents award. The most dedicated Student in English. Outstanding performances on the FCAT, Perfect Attendance. And so forth..... I went to Busch Gardens with the 8th grade class, and had a super time. I almost lost my hat on a water coaster. I had a broken finger because of football. In February, I got a phone call one night, and my friend Michael Reilly had committed suicide. It really hurt me, I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t accept it, or believe it. Why, what was the point? And how could he do it.... he was only 16. I went to the funeral, and it hurt me inside. I hadn’t seen Michael in about a year and a half, the relationship didn’t grow distant though, we were still friends. When I went up there to the casket and saw him lying there. He was a completely different person. He had matured so much, and so had I. He was almost a man, he wasn’t the little Michael that I remembered, the one I played football and basketball with, the one that I built my uncles house with, the one that was Michael Thomas Reilly to me.
14th Birthday March 10th, 2004.
Starting High School. First off, I went to band camp, made it through just fine, except for I pulled my shoulder out of place in my right shoulder. I couldn’t hold my trumpet up because of this, and the brass section was getting irritated at me because they had to drop and do push-ups because of it. So, I felt bad. So come the first day of school, I dropped band. The reason I did so was because I wanted to be a Veterinarian, and I knew that I was going to have to take other classes, and that I didn’t want to take band anymore, or take it in College. I had a choice to either take up culinary or drawing and painting. I hate drawing and painting, but I enjoy cooking. So I took up Chefs class. The first day...I kinda just laughed hard deep inside. I watched movies that had Hugh Grant in them, and the British accent is so cool, but I had never heard someone in person speak like that. So it was really neat meeting someone that did have that accent. I met my worst nightmare in 6th period, right from the beginning we didn’t get along. Everyone knows who Im talking about...Mr. Mingle. The only other things I remember from this year in my life was pranking Mr. Walker. Chad, Lindsay, and myself called him up. Chad talked, and said “Hello, I found your number in a gay bar....hahaha.” Then hung up. I had a guilty conscious so I called back and apologized. He laughed about it all. On January 10th, 2005, I went to my 3rd and final wrestling event. I went and saw my idol, my favorite wrestler of all time. John Cena. I got his autograph, and some pictures. I also got to meet Eddie Guerrero, (who just recently passed away on November 13th, 2005).
15th Birthday March 10th, 2005.
My birthday was awesome, I had a really cool birthday. I had a huge pool party, and invited over some really close friends. We all hung out, and even had an overnight stay. We rode the dirt bike, and the wagon was carried behind it. On May 25, 2005, Chad and I started dating...I think it was the biggest mistake on my part. I shouldn’t have let it happen. For one, it ruined our friendship altogether. Plus, I just wasn’t ready, I thought I was over the thing with Terry, but I guess I wasn’t, for it all came back at this time. I ended up breaking up with him exactly 2 weeks later. We didn’t talk all summer because he said I was too preppy, I was going girly. I was beginning to lose weight. On June 28th, we had another court hearing, this time it was for the custody of my 3 cousins Rose, Jacob, and Amy. Their mom was in a rehabilitation center for crack/cocaine. So my parents ended up getting custody. But that was when the rest of the family (I referred to them as the Smiths), began to lie and slander my family. The Drug allegations that they made were true, not of that was false. But what got me stormed, was that they could say that I sucked my cousin Jacobs “penis”. When yes, it was true that his “penis” was sucked, but it wasn’t by me. It was by Miss Lindsay McMall. I had nothing to do with that, and yet they told the court and the judge that it was me. So my parents then lost custody over to my grandparents. I refused to talk to my grandparents now, because they were not only lying about me and my family, but they had said “that my parents pay for my A’s in school. (I don’t work for them, or earn them.” But you know what...I don’t care, because Im the smartest in the family, Im the smartest that has ever become. And I will be the first to go to college in our whole family. Plus, Im the only one that actually listens and respects my grandparents. All the other older cousins had stolen from them. Jolene had stolen 3 credit cards, and over 1000$. Danny had stolen 300$, and other things, Rose had stolen money, and cigarettes. But no, I hadn’t done any of that. So hey...they can choose bad over good...doesn’t change who I am, or what I am going to do in life). So, after this all started, I decided to shut myself away from everyone, and start my “summer of change”. I began to exercise, drank water only, and began to just watch what I was eating. I started to dress like a girl, and my hair was beginning to grow out.
10th Grade, 2005-2006....
New headline, new person, new beginning....
I started 10th grade as a completely new person. I had already lost 30 lbs. I was down to 168 lbs. I was starting to come around. I was talking to more people, I was still in Chefs class, and Mr. Walkers, my two favorite teachers. I had stopped watching wrestling back in June. I was beginning to get into God completely. I was planning on a Halloween party...but that failed, because on October 4th, I caught my parents smoking pot again. It had been 3 months, since the last time they had smoked. I was really upset, and I didn’t know who to turn to. So the only person I could think of talking to was Chef. So, the next day, I stayed after school and talked to Chef. Then I got into more trouble, because I didn’t tell my parents I was staying after, or didn’t bother calling them to tell them why I wasn’t home when I was suppose to be. I started to avoid my parents, didn’t talk to them. It took almost 3 weeks, before I came around and talked to them again. On October 26th, I got my 2nd tattoo. I got this because I was really getting into God. I wanted another mark on my body reminding me who he is, and what he has done. On November 14th, I went to my first concert, and it was a Christian Concert. I got to see Kutless, KJ-52, Disciple, and Krystal Myers. Also, in November, I decided to make up with my family, it was very tough for me. But I did it anyway. I opened up, and told some people some of my past. Those including, Trish, Amber, Emily, Chef, Mr. Walker, and Mrs. Middleton. Come December, I had Laryngitis up til December 12. Then on December 15th, I hit my head on Chefs freezer, (quite funny, but it hurt). Then that night, I started to get sick excessively. So on December 17th, I went to the hospital and found out I had to have surgery. On December 21st, I was rushed to the hospital, and I had my surgery that night. Was released to go home on December 23rd. Spent Christmas with the family, and slept most of the rest of the break.
Why I say it’s a new beginning is because of this.
“A new beginning”
I was a beast,
Til I was washed with peace.
I am ready to break through,
Show the world what they already knew.
Open up again,
Make people grin.
I can’t wait any longer,
For I can’t get any stronger.
Im a butterfly in a cocoon,
Just ready to bloom.
I jump up like some springs,
I open up my wings.
Im not broken,
I just needed to be awoken.
Now Im soaring above it all,
Bound never to fall.
Flying in the sky so high,
I watch the terror go by and by.
Im leaving it behind,
A cocoon starts to unwind,
I watch to see,
Curious as to who it could be.
It’s a beautiful transaction,
You can’t receive more satisfaction.
They had committed a crime,
But through time,
Their broken wing was healed,
They kept nothing sealed.
Their face is but a blur,
I can see the cure.
For there are scars,
They are just like monkey bars.
Just an obstacle to get through,
For this was my clue.
They don’t need to speak,
I can see how they use to be weak.
It was hard to get here,
I place them in front of a mirror.
The face becomes clear,
For what I saw in the mirror,
Was a reflection of who I use to be,
And then the new me.
-Ginger
12/29/05 6:34 am
Behind the poem-
"It's my testimony on how I found God through it all yet again, over the bumps and bruises. Its like when a girl said to me "I hope never to fall again." Well this is saying sometimes things will happen, you just have to hold onto your faith and know that he will get you through it. When I put this person in front of the mirror, their face became clear and it was the old me before I found Christ. And then there I was standing next to that old me, the new me... the me that has found Christ and can't fall again. The old me I don't want to become again, which God showed me my different reflections so I could see this. The new me was a reflection of me when I was at my highest point in life, the time with Christ. Which I want to remain there forever, sometimes I may fall, but then God leads me back to this mirror to remind me of this. The poem says Im ready to open up again, show the world what they already knew, this is because they already knew both me's. Im just ready to show them again the new me. I wanna spread my wings, for they aren't broken anymore. Im strong again, I can't get any stronger. This is why its time to shine, fly above it all. I've done it before, and Im ready to do it again." -Ginger Smith

So anyway, then I went back to school. And I was so exhausted....it was my first day actually getting around for a full day. Other than that...Im here today. Right where I am, writing all of this down, starting my healing process. Starting to get it out. There is a lot more that I am leaving out. Stuff that either has really left my head and doesn’t want to come back, or stuff that Im not wanting to say just yet. Oh, besides the fact that I got a new puppy. I didn’t have a clue to what to name him. I had some ideas. But I decided on Tyson for one purpose. I feel that I have gotten close to one person, and that one person I can open up to, speak my mind, and that person accepts me. They accepted me before, and they accept me now. I wanted to name my puppy Tyson, because I will always remember Chef. Plus, Im really close with Chef, and I want to be really close with my puppy. Since getting my puppy, my spirit has been lifted. Im starting to feel a lot better with my insecurities, my fears, and my past.

Here is a poem that is my past.
“Terror from the past”
Back when I was 10, I was so confused.
For I was sexually abused.
It was my uncle, and it went on for a year.
I would never shed a tear.
I held it all in, til I felt I could let it out.
I didn’t want people to see me pout.
It stayed bundled up inside,
And I tried to hide.
I tried to go to an imaginary place,
Hours on end, I would try to erase.
Everything that has happened to me,
But that never set me free.
I can’t let go, for this is the key,
To knowing me.
I tried to change, look the other way,
That didn’t work, for I went astray.
I began to dress like a guy,
I just wanted to die.
I wanted to be a dude,
But I was ridiculed and people were just rude.
They would call me gay,
But I just knelt down and started to pray.
2003 was a big year for me,
I continued to stay on my knee.
My parents were busted for growing weed,
I just wanted to cut myself and bleed.
It was on the front page the next day,
Nothing was okay.
The school saw my dad on the front page,
This began my rage.
I allowed myself to sink to their level,
I was being taken over by the devil.
I started to smoke,
But then I had a big choke.
This made me see the light,
I saw what I was doing wasn’t right.
I got in with the wrong crowd,
And I wasn’t proud.
Later in the year, I got a call,
The news was shocking, and I started to bawl.
A really close friend had just committed suicide,
Denied, Denied, Denied.
This isn’t true, he can’t be gone,
I cried til dawn.
This was never suspected,
And it was so unexpected.
He was only 16 yrs old,
From this point on, everything began to unfold.
My anger grew,
I started to be untrue.
Untrue to the ones I loved,
I shoved and Shoved,
I wanted to be alone,
I wanted to be in my own zone.
I was disruptive in school,
I began to be so cruel.
I got to the worst stage of them all,
I began to fall.
I jumped in the pool,
I was such a fool.
I sunk below,
I was like whoa.
I held myself down,
I tried to drown.
I began to fade,
But God came to my aide.
He said it wasn’t my time,
So I began to climb.
I arose out of the water,
I was trying to commit man slaughter.
I thought of Michael, and what he caused,
So I paused.
Yes, I want to end my pain,
But I want to refrain,
From harming those who care.
So this was when I made my prayer.
I let go of my life,
I pulled out the knife.
Removed it from my heart,
I wanted to be smart.
I wanted to change,
I didn’t want to be strange.
This was when my life took a big turn,
I was able to learn.
Learn from my wrong,
For this is where I belong.
In Gods arms I will be,
For with him, I am always free.
For a while it was all fine,
I was beginning to shine.
But then it all came back,
When my aunt started doing crack.
Then my parents were smoking weed,
This made me want to bleed.
I became so depressed,
Then I was blessed.
For God sent me an angel from above,
And he showed me his love.
He helped me pull through,
And I owe him a thank you.
For I could have tried again,
Right then I could have ended the pain.
But I wanted to prove that I could overcome,
Show everyone what I can become.
For life is a gift,
I will never drift.
It’s a miracle, Im still alive,
I was able to survive.
So don’t fall into the trap,
Of all of this crap.
Your past,
Will always last.
It makes you who you are,
Even if it leaves a scar.
I thank God for my past,
It wasn’t a blast.
But it contributed to me,
And now Im FREE!
11/29/05

There you have it...my time line and past up to this date.

Sincerely,
The One and Only,
Ginger Lorraine Smith
Finished on 1-24-06

Ok...funny title ay? Well it's quite true too. Im in my biology class, and I just fell flat on my bootay. I was on the hind legs of the chair, and it fell out from underneath me. HILARIOUS. Anyway, I love my new puppy Tyson, he is so sweet and precious. This weekend, we ended up going for long walks for his exercise, and mine. Also, we cuddled up on my bed to watch movies. We watched Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous. And some other movies that I already forgot. He definitely lifted my spirit up. About 2 weeks ago, I wrote Chef a really long e-mail asking him if he really cared for me as a human being, or just another student of his. He never checks his e-mail, but I told him before getting on the bus yesterday to check because I sent him something very important to me. Well, I saw him this morning when I got to school. I had my ipod on, and couldn't hear what he said. Plus, I was talking with a friend. My friend said he said Hello Ginger, I was like OH...HELLO CHEF! LOL. He then whispered to my friend that I always ignore him in the morning. I guess I must, I didn't think I did though. Who knows. lol. I have like 15 more minutes in this class, and I hate it. URG. I have Chef's class next though. YAY... I think we are cooking again. LOL. Im hyper today, I haven't taken my medicine yet. I get to go take it in like 15 minutes. What a weird coincidence...right after Biology.

Am I boring anyone? I wouldn't doubt it. I just keep rambling on about pretty much nothing. Teacher is coming though. TTYL BYE!

Well, some of you don't know, but last night I had a mental breakdown. It was really bad, I was so upset that I even quit my pool league. So, of course today didn't start off too good. For one, I was POed. My friends stayed clear, and made sure to not say the wrong thing. I got through 1st period, then we had an assembly in 2nd. I knew it was about "A Drug Awareness Program" I saw the same assembly in 6th grade, it touched me then because the story was soooo powerful. This time though, the moment I walked in, I saw "Michael's Message", and Michael was the kid that died from an overdose. Well, this made me think of my friend Michael Rielly that committed suicide two years ago. Then, later on in the speech, the father of Michael said "Sometimes our loved ones get so addicted to drugs that they even choose drugs over their own children." I lost it then. I then left the assembly, and ran into Nurse Parker, she pulled me into a hug, and said "did it get to you too?" I was like "no, its personal reasons." She then said, "Well, if you want to sit in my office you can, I have tissues, and you can tell me about it." I said, "Thanks, I might do that later."

Then I went to my biology class, and my friend Amber said this " Hey, I knew the moment that Michaels dad said 'They even choose drugs over their children', that you would lose it. I looked down the bleechers, and sure enough I saw you over there crying." I was like yea, I just knew today wasn't going to be good. I ended up crying the rest of that class. Then I had to go take my medicine from the nurses, I stopped by and she said "By the way, I loved your poem. Read this one." She let me read one that her son wrote. So then I wrote down the address to this blog, and told her to read "Terror From The Past". I then went to Chefs class, and I was like really upset, and if the first thing that didn't come out of his mouth was "Are you ok? Do you want to tell me about it?" hahaha... if you didn't know how many times I had heard that today.

Come time for lunch, I sat down and talked with Chef and Mrs.Kirby. I told him about my parents and I fighting, my quitting the league, my episode over the assembly and everything. Then he said "Well, atleast they are providing for you, and you have a laptop, ipod, and nice things." I said to God, "God... hold in my anger, don't let me say something wrong here or stupid." I just wanted to go off on him. If I would have said what I wanted to, I would have said " Ok, so you were highly addicted to drugs, and your two kids kept telling you how much it hurt them. Would you just say, it shouldn't bother you and get over it, here here's $500 go buy a pony. Would you do that to your kids? You would let them continue to hurt inside just because you want to get high? Its ok for you to get high everyday, 3 times a day, as long as you give them things that some people don't have?"

Maybe I should have said that... I mean, it might have cleared some things up, and showed Chef just how much it hurts people inside, and just because you have nicer things, doesn't make it okay, or the pain go away.

So then, I went to 5th period Mr.Walker's class. I asked if we were doing anything today, and he said not much why? I asked if I could go to the nurses. He said yes, are you ok? I said Today hasn't been a very good day. And left. I went to the nurses, I stayed there for 5th, and 6th period. Then I went home. I feel a lot better now that I talked with Nurse Parker. I found out that she knew Michael Rielly, my friend that committed suicide. I didn't know anybody knew him, cause he went to a different school than mine. So, we talked about him, and shared memories that made me feel really good, I was sad. But I felt better. I also have an idea on a way to change my life around. Im going to have a family meeting tonight when my mom gets here. I want to go get my puppy tonight if I can. Ive decided to name him Tyson anyway, this time I will name him after Chef, because Nurse Parker was telling me that she's glad I found him, because even if my parents wouldn't be sad if I killed myself, she knows that he would and that she would.

I don't know what I am going to say at the meeting. But Im going to get some things out. I haven't told my parents how I feel about things in a long time. I want to tell them how I felt betrayed when they would send me to my uncles, how I felt they choose drugs over me, how I feel they never pay attention to me, or love me. How they just seem to give me things, as to say "quit bothering us, take this and be gone. Let us do our thing, you do yours." I want to make it a clean slate. Try to forget the past, and think of the future. I don't want to always be depressed, and not have grandparents for my children. I want my parents to be there for them, and I want my children to be able to look up to their grandparents. I want to be able to let my kids visit for the weekend, and not have to worry about them being hurt by drugs like I was/am. I want to look back at my life, and say "I MADE A DIFFERENCE". God Bless Everyone, and wish me luck in tonights meeting.

Sincerely,
Ginger Smith

Good news, my puppy is ready, and I can go get him now. He is white, with brown and black spots. He is a beagle/ Jack Russell mix. I can't wait...yayaya... I still don't know what to name him. Any ideas? This is the list I came up with :

Arnold, Bacon, Bagel, Barkster, Becker, Bones, Brock, Calvin, Camden, Cameron, Christian, Colt, Pork Chop, Smurf, Smidget, Twerp, Tyson, or Winky.

Does anybody know of any other puppy names? I want to name him a good one. I already have 5 dogs, this makes 6. I have Goldie, Jasmine, Casper, Ubie, and Classie. Come on, lets put our heads together and think of a good name for my new little friend. I really thought Tyson would be a good name... but some people, think it was just because of Chef. But whatever, I just thought it would be cute and original, and it happened to be on the 4000 top puppy names. Well, I love my furry little friends. So, Im going to beg and beg my mom to take me to get him tonight. Til Then, PeAcE!
-Ginger

Well, I mentioned last week about the nurse's son being murdered. The funeral was last Friday, I didn't go because I would have lost it, based on my actions last Thursday when I got to speak with Nurse Parker. Also, I didn't know John, so I didn't feel up to going to his funeral when I didn't even know him. Well, from what I heard about the funeral, it was a really nice ceremony. They had Marines there, which made the effect more powerful.

From what I have heard, the murderer was a 19 yr old that just did it for attention. He didn't know John or the girl. He just shot the first people he saw, and it happened to be two really good people. They just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. When I got to speak with Nurse Parker last Thursday, I was brought to tears. My friend who I have known for more than 10 years had never seen me cry til that day. Nurse Parker and I talked for about 10 minutes, she was wearing sunglasses, and I can understand why. She pulled me into a big hug, and Im not much of a person that likes to hug. But hey, its part to facing my fears. So, I just went along with it.

Throughout the rest of the day, I was just really really sad, and I kept losing it. So during Chefs class, he allowed me to sit down, and I decided to write Nurse Parker a poem. I didn't know what exactly to write, I wanted to write something to encourage her that everything will be fine. But at the same time, I didn't want her to be upset, or grief a lot. So this was my final product.

“Eagle”
Having to say goodbye without warning or notice,
Thinking of who you’ll always miss.
Losing someone that was so sweet and gentle,
Can cause you to go mental.
Not knowing when its okay to shed a tear,
In your heart, he will always be near.
A life given by God, stolen so soon.
He’s now the man on the moon,
You can look up to him at night.
He may have lost the fight,
But don’t let the bad win.
Your family can rise up again.
It’s not easy to say goodbye,
Remember, he’s an eagle in the sky,
He’s looking down as you all cry,
Showing that he can still fly.

Sincerely,
Ginger Smith
1-12-06

This morning when I got to school, I was very hyper. Mainly because I didn't get any sleep last night. Well, I decided to head off to 1st period 5 mins early. I ran into Nurse Parker, and she gave me a big hug. She said she wasn't going to stay today, but she was going to try to come back to work tomorrow. I told her there is no rush, take your time in getting back. So she hugged me again,I told her, but since your here today, Id like you to have this. I handed her the poem, and she was like Is this for me? I said yes. She replied with "Your so sweet, thank you so much." I then walked off to get to 1st period. I don't like to be there when somebody reads a very meaningful poem that I wrote for them. So if she does come to work tomorrow, then I will probably get a response from her.

Well, tell me what you think of the poem, and if I did a good job in presenting it. Til Then, Im off to play some pool.
-Ginger