Well, I thought nothing of what happened yesterday, so I didn't bother posting it. But it was something, and now it has built up into something really bad.

It goes way back, way back to November. My friends Catie and Kendra, who were best friends at the time. Well, Catie came to me, and said she didn't like how Kendra was treating her, she felt like she was being used. Also, that Kendra was going in the wrong direction in life, and no matter what Catie said, Kendra just wouldn't listen. Catie asked me to write a poem for her to give to Kendra to say that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. So I did so. Once Catie gave Kendra the poem, it came out that I was the one that wrote it.

So then Kendra went around to all her friends, Lindsay, Jimmy, Kyle, Megan, and Cassie. She lied and said that we wrote a mean poem, and blew her off. When the poem said I want to be friends, but I want you to change your ways. So then everyone thought of Catie and I as the bad people. Well we just left it alone, and never talked. I thought everything was settled.

On January 5th, Catie, myself, and a guy (I forgot who it was, but just recently found out that it was Jimmy) we were talking. They were talking about something, and I was like...wait, I don't know what your talking about. Fill me in. So they told me that Kendra had lost her virginity. (This was what Catie and I were worried about).

So anyway... I was really shocked, and I wanted to know if it was true. I have Kendra in Chefs class. So, I went up to Kendra last Thursday, and I asked is it true? She said yes, 4 times now. I was like...right. She said, how did you find out. I said "I don't really remember who all it was, but Lindsay told Brett, and Brett told Catie, who then Catie told me. (I was wrong...it wasn't Brett, it was Jimmy).

So anyway... Friday went by. Yesterday morning, Catie, myself, Eli, Cody, Gary, and Amber were talking when Kendra, Brett, Megan, and Lindsay walk over to us. Kendra goes "Catie, can I have a word with you?" Catie says sure. They walk like 10 feet away. I go to Megan (who we are still friends). I go whats that about? She said Kendra is upset because Catie told you about losing her virginity.

At this point, I knew stuff was going to happen. But I knew Catie would blow it off, and just laugh about it, and I would do the same. I knew that Catie wouldn't be mad at me for bringing it up to Kendra.

I said ok to Megan, when the bell rang. I went to my locker to get my stuff for class. I still had 10 minutes before I would be tardy, so I went to talk to some other friends. I was talking to them, when Brett came up to me. He asked me if he could have a word with me. I said sure. We walked away from my friends, about 10 feet, atleast to the other side of the hallway.

He goes "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS TIL TODAY." At this point, I was like...ok, maybe I got the people wrong, but I told Kendra I didn't know who exactly told me. Anyway, I replied to Brett, "You change your tone of voice, and talk to me with respect, or else Im not going to talk to you." So I walked back to my friends. He goes "GET YOUR ASS BACK OVER HERE. IM NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU." I repeated myself, and then the 5 minutes bell went off. So I started walking to class. I passed Chef, and he heard me telling Brett to change his tone, and he heard Brett cussing. I was kinda laughing, so Chef thought nothing of it. Then there were two teachers, one I had last year, and my 1st period teacher. They heard Brett cussing me out. So they pulled him aside, and Brett got into trouble. I kept walking to class.

Once my teacher came in, we both kinda laughed, cause I really thought nothing of it at this point. She said I handled myself well, and she's proud. So then, I went and met up with Catie after 1st. I went to my locker, and it was kinda jammed, and hard to open. I knew somebody had messed with it. But yet again, I just blew it off. I could still open it, and nothing was taken.

The day finished, and I just laughed it all off. Then this morning, I was planning on going and talking to Brett in a proper manner and apologizing for getting the people wrong. I was going to tell him that I would have apologized yesterday if he would have changed his tone. But, when I saw Brett this morning, he was with Lindsay (which today is her birthday). Anyway...me and her don't get a long at all. So I didn't want to pull him aside. I thought maybe I would talk to him during lunch. So then, I got through 1st, 2nd, and 3rd period.

I got to Chefs class, and Kendra came up to me and said "So do you hate me now?" (I have her in this class, so I wanted to end it. I didn't want to let this keep going on.) I said No, I don't hate you. She said "well what Brett did to you yesterday was very wrong, and un called for." I told her I agreed, and I don't call for somebody cussing me out, especially in front of the student body, and in front of some of my teachers.

Chef came up to Trish and I, and asked us to deliver some food. So we took some food up to the front office, we dropped it off, and on our way back, we were talking about the whole Brett thing. When a girl Samantha said "Hey Ginger, I just wanted to tell you that Brett came up to me yesterday and offered to pay me 5 dollars if I would beat you up." I was like...WHOA, He did what? she said...yea, thats what he did, but I declined. I said, well thanks Im glad...and Im glad you told me this.

Trish and I were in utter most shock, I mean how can my misplacing people get me into this much trouble. I mean, why would he want to do this? So anyway, I was like...looks like I have to start watching my back. I left this between Trish and I for now. I went back to Chefs, and cooked some potalios. During my lunch period, I stayed in there to continue cooking. When Lindsay, Megan, Kendra, and Brett came in there. I went and stayed in Chefs office. I told him "look, Im not leaving til they leave, cause my temper is rising, and I don't want to start anything with them." He said ok...

They finally left, and it was time for me to go to Mr.Walkers class. Lindsay sits behind me in this class, so I asked Mr.Walker if he could move me from her because stuff is going on. So he moved me. No questions asked. Class ends, and I run into Kayla, I told her what I found out about how Brett is trying to find someone to beat me up. We stopped by my locker so that I could get my spanish stuff. Then were talking, and she goes speak of the devil. Brett was coming. She goes "Hey, don't you ever cuss my friend out again you hear me?" He goes "SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET OUT OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON." I was like...man, why did she have to say that.

Anyway, I get to class, and I asked if I could leave about 30 mins early to go to Chefs to copy a recipe for State Fair. She said yes, so I leave early. I decide to go by my locker and drop off my stuff, and pick up the stuff I needed for tonight. I try to open my locker, and I could tell it was messed with again. Yet this time, I couldn't open it at all. I thought it was a fluke, so I tried a couple more times. At this point, I was getting ticked. I just said screw it, and went to Chefs. I copied the recipe, and then left to try my locker again. Still wouldn't work.

This was after school, so I went to go to Crawfords to do my tutoring (I tutor for community service). Anyway, on my way there, I see the deans attendant. I told her my locker was messed with, and I needed to get in to get my stuff to do since it is due tomorrow. She said Deputy Harper is in a meeting, you'll have to come back later. So then I go to Mrs.Crawfords, and ask if Catie is here. She said "She just left looking for you. I was like, well I need to go find Deputy Harper, so I will be back later."

Im walking, and I run into Catie, I filled her in with everything. She was like...I can't believe Brett is doing this. I tell her about my locker, and since she is the only other person that knows my combination, I ask her to try and open it. Thinking maybe its just me. She tried numerous times, and she can't get it. So then I go back to Crawfords, and I decide I need to go talk to the Guidence Counselor. So I tell Mrs.Crawford that I won't be tutoring today.

I go to the Guidence Counselor. I tell her what is happening and everything, and she told me she could listen to me, but there is nothing that she can do. She told me to go talk to the deans. So I have no clue where Im going. Luckily, I run into Chef, and ask him where the deans office is. He shows me, but its locked. He runs into the deans attendant again, and tells her everything with Brett. She goes well the deans are in the meeting with Deputy Harper. So then I was stormed. I go to my biology class and tell my teacher look, I can't get my stuff out of my locker so I won't have it tomorrow. She lent me a book, and she lent me a new worksheet.

Then I leave, and go wait for my dad. I talk to Mrs.Middleton, who calls Deputy Harper. He's back, so I go and talk to him. Fill him in, and all he says is... come to me first thing tomorrow morning, and we will bolt cut off your lock, and we will get all the people involved up here and settle it out. Then I go back to Middletons, and then Mr.Walker sees me, I thank him for changing my seat. He says everything ok? I say we will find out tomorrow when I go to the deans.

He says...ok, fill me in a little. I tell him a briefing. Then I had to leave. Fill everyone in tomorrow. Thanks, Bye!

“Who Am I?”

Am I a reflection in the mirror,
A shadow in the woods?
Or am I a blessing,
A gift in this world?
What you consider me,
May be different from what I consider myself.

I can be what you want,
Or I can be myself.
What you want,
And what I am,
Don’t mix.

I live each day,
Changing in several ways.
Change for myself,
And for my image.
You can’t change me,
You can only accept me.

Accept me for who I am,
And not what you want me to be.
For I am a being,
A caring, similar kind.
Im unique and individual.
Im special, and one of a kind.
Smart, funny, boring, and sometimes dull.
But in the end, Im still the same,
Im still the one and only me.

-Ginger Smith 1/30/06

Ok, this is one of my toughest challenges. Everyone knows what Chef means to me. Its so hard to write him and tell him, I haven't spoken the words I love you, Ive only written them down in poems. But I don't think he understood them. So I tried to write another one tonight. I have many poems, many songs, and many raps. Over 60 total. I consider some ok, some good, some true, some powerful, and very few my masterpieces. This is one of my masterpieces. It is also one of my longest.

“Completion”

Love comes in many forms,
What form do I want,
What form do I seek,
What form have I found?

Is it an intense feeling of deep affection,
A deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone,
A great interest and pleasure in something,
Have I possibly found one of these?

When love ran into me,
I didn’t recognize it.
It was uncommon,
I had never known it before.
I didn’t know what to expect,
Or what it was,
After time and thought,
This is what I found.

I eliminated sex,
I eliminated sexual feelings,
I concentrated on the little things,
I concentrated on the difference makers.
I solved my own puzzle,
It took many months,
Many years, days, and hours.

It wasn’t the loneliness holding me back,
Or was it?
Was it the betrayal,
Denial, or confusion?
What exactly was I looking for in “love”?
I thought it was a guy,
Someone to go out on dates.
Someone to cuddle with at nights,
And to hold me during the day.

But when that was found,
It was all wrong,
It wasn’t that love I was seeking,
Was it the love from a family?

Yet, what is the meaning of family?
A group of parents and children,
A group of people related by blood or marriage.
They characterize that everyone is to love their family.
This description of family mentions nothing of love.

The love that I have found doesn’t fall into a category.
It lands right into my palms,
Its like a swan on a pond.
Beautiful in its own way.

It’s love bound together by two people,
Different in many ways,
But similar in mind.
Its contributed to by the two,
And carried on by God.

To describe this love is so hard,
Yet I know its there.
Remember it’s the little things,
And the difference makers.
They led me to this conclusion.

Who are the two that control this love,
Who are hidden between these lines,
Who keeps the heart of one beating,
While the one’s beating heart slowly writes these words.
The two mustn’t be named,
But without credit the secrets keep going.
So the two are me and you.

Im the writer,
You’re the giver,
You breath life into me,
You keep my wondering heart abound.
When I sought love,
You gave it.
This is how I know.

The times spent talking,
Spent laughing.
Hours telling tales,
And hours just staring.
No words are spoken,
Yet the eyes meet.
Those times are the best,
We’re like mimes,
Yet we can see through the box.
We just can’t move out.
The bond grows with every moment shared.
Every spoken word,
And every stare.

Once I realized what I had,
I thought it was too late.
2 weeks into summer,
And my heart was breaking.
Why? What has happened?

The bond was fading,
The love was disappearing.
It was the company I missed,
The quiet stares,
The long talks.
That’s when I knew...
It had to be Love.

When you awake one morning,
And your really down,
You come across that face,
And it all washes away.
Suddenly your happy,
Its like your complete.
That persons stare accomplished that...
But not alone, but through Love.

Will there be another love for me?
Maybe, but none opposed to this.
This keeps my soul alive,
Without it, Im frozen in fear.
My life will continue on,
But my soul will wilt and die.
For this Love is what has made me whole.

By: Ginger Lorraine Smith 1/26/06

*Thanks yet again Chef...my life was incomplete til I met you. I don’t know how else to put it, or to tell you. But this is it all. This is my thoughts, my true and beloved thoughts. *

Please tell me what you think, Ive made people cry with this one. And yet I just finished writing it 30 minutes ago. It's quite powerful, and can be written for all of my friends, the ones that make me somewhat complete. Yet there is only two that complete me, make me completely whole. That is God, and Chef.
Thank You Everyone.
God Bless, and please leave a comment on this one.
-Ginger Smith

This poem I wrote today, I just wanted to actually write a love poem not for a given person. Just my perspective on love. I admit, this isn't one of my better poems. I tried to write a little different.

Once I got halfway through writing it, my friend kept telling me how she wants to be with this guy so bad, she wants him to Love her, and she wants to Love him. Be she is afraid to tell him, afraid he'll avoid her and run away from her. So the last 2 stanzas are written for her.

“True Love”

What is true love?
Is it the sparks,
The passion,
Or the truth hidden behind?
Is it a saying,
Or is it meant from the heart?
Is it Lust,
Or a happiness binding the two?

Can it be kept inside,
Or shall it be let known?

But how do you know when you find this love?
Is it when you commit to sleep,
Or is it when you feel the warmth and closure?

Can love be bought,
Or given from the heart?
Can love bring happiness and pleasure,
Or sorrow and pain?

If in the end its pain,
Then it wasn’t love.
Love always last,
It sticks like glue.

Its like a bee,
Sometimes it stings,
But in the end,
It brings you sweet honey.
Finding this out,
Can lead you to love.

-Ginger Smith
1/26/06

I don't know what to title these blogs, but I titled this one Wolf because I carried a big Wolf Spider to school with me today. We found it in my parents room last night, but we didn't know what kind it was.

Anyway... I sent my timeline (the last post) to my two closest friends, Trish, and Randy. Then, today after school, I stopped by Chef's before he was leaving and handed the 12 pages to him. He asked what it was, and I simply said "My Life".

He then had to leave, so I just reminded him to please read that for me. There was a lot of things that I left out, after looking over it, I noticed some major events that I left out, but I might add them in later on in life just for myself.

Im in the process of reading a really good book. It's titled "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom. Here are some things Ive run across in the book that struck out to me.

"When I mentioned this to Morrie, he nodded. 'It's what everyone worries about, isn't it? What if today were my last day on earth?' He studied my face, and perhaps he saw an ambivalence about my own choices. I had this vision of me keeling over at my desk one day, halfway through a story, my editors snatching the copy even as the medics carried my body away.
'Mitch?' Morrie said.
I shook my head and said nothing. But Morrie picked up on my hesitation.
'Mitch,' he said, 'the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks-- we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?'
He paused.
'You need someone to probe you in that direction. It won't just happen automatically.'
I knew what he was saying. We all need teachers in our lives.
And mine was sitting in front of me."

That part in the book, made me realize that yes, Chef is my teacher that is leading me in the right direction in life.

This is another part in the book.
"'Take any emotion-- love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions-- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Was yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what is it.'
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely-- but eventually be able to say, 'All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well.'"

This part described me completely. Im afraid to open up, and love people for the fear of being rejected or being betrayed. I'm afraid to get close for the fear of losing that person later on in life. Or, when Im lonely, I get so depressed, but I don't cry because I believe it is a weakness of mine, and I don't like to allow others to know that I have that weakness. Or, when I do have feelings for someone, not specifically a partner, but more like a close bond, such as the bond I have with Chef. I fear or delay telling them my true feelings just for the fact of maybe ruining the relationship I already have. But, thanks to this passage, I am going to try to look at it differently, face my fears, and live life to the fullest, knowing what a possible outcome can be. But knowning there are other emotions in life, and I will experience them all atleast once in my lifetime.

Well, thats it for today. Im want to finish this book, I have 40 pages left. Also, I have to do my biology project, and start researching for my Algebra 2 project. If someone would like to help me on it they can. I need to find an oragami to do. I don't know what to look for, I want to be original, and Im an over achiever, and a perfectionist. I want a tough one. So, if you happen to run across something, please tell me. Thanks,

Sincerely,
Ginger Lorraine Smith