It's been since Friday since I've written, I didn't do that purposely, and I didn't forget completely. I just wasn't home much. This weekend went by so fast, and the week is doing the same thing. There is only two days of school left, and the heart ache is starting to form deep down inside.

I've been in some physical pain lately as well. I have reinjured my shoulder for like the billionth time now. OWWWEEE, this time my joint connector in my shoulder is out of place. I've been put on meds, and my doctor said that if that doesn't work in a couple weeks, then he's going to start me up on Physical Therapy. So I'm looking at quite the beginning to a most miserable Summer. I wish school didn't have to end. I'm going to miss everything there.

I don't have much else to say, My days of inspiration were last week. I can't seem to bring up anything deep at the moment. I wish I could. Today I did end up on the subject of Funerals, I don't even remember how we got on the subject. All I remember were the thoughts running through my head at the time. Michael, he's the only person's funeral that I've made it to. It was an open casket, and it was horrific. I regret that seeing him at his funeral was the first time that I had seen him in a year...

Well I have lost my train of thought since I took a 30 minute break to talk to my mom. So I'm going to head out to take some cute pictures of Tyson...

Peace Out!
-Gigi

Today hasn't been much of a day at all. Not much has been going through my mind. There is something that happened today, and that just so happens to revolve around memories...

I ran across a little blue notebook. Man, what a notebook this is. There is 8 pages in this notebook that my mom wrote on last Summer. Everything in there was about the hectic events that we went through last Summer. Man reliving those memories was to be honest, eccentric. It was like I was letting go of my past. Relinquishing it from my grasp and mind. I realized things that I've been told, but just didn't believe for myself. My psychiatrist told me that I don't need to go through the troubles of making up with my family (outside family, not parents); she says that I don't need those type of people in my life because they'll only bring me down.

There were other things in this notebook that my mom wrote. Stuff about me, and how she betrayed me by smoking pot, even though she knew it bothered me so much. Childhood memories are great, no matter if they're painful or joyful. I believe that you shouldn't regret things because it's a waste of time. Honestly without every decision, every choice, every mistake, every promise, every lie, every word, every litte thing that you do in life makes YOU WHO YOU ARE TODAY!!! You couldn't be there without it.

I've not only been thinking about my childhood in the home, but at school. I remember growing up with these people. My friends that I've known since Kindergarden. It's amazing to think that we've been through Elementary, Middle, and now almost our Junior year of High School. It honestly is, not only have we grown physically, but emotionally. We've all become mature (well most of us) teenagers.
I've been looking over pictures from previous yearbooks, my personal pictures, and such...it's just an amazing transformation that you see in each and every person. God is a wonderful being, and he has done a magnificent job with the human population and the running of the Earth.

Ha..now I just found my journal from last year...hehe. Lets see my bio.

"Ginger Smith"
Age: 15 yrs and 2 months
B-Day: March 10th, 1990
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Food: Ranch Dressing
Best Friend: Lindsay McMall
Favorite thing to do: Listen to music and watch wrestling!
Favorite Wrestler: John Cena
Sexiest Person Alive: John Cena
Favorite Singer: John Cena
Favorite Actor: John Cena

Hmmm...now lets look at me.

"GiGi"
Age: 16 yrs and 2 months
B-Day: March 10th, 1990
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Food: Tacos
Best Friend: Leah Traver
Favorite Thing to do: Write Poetry, listen to music, and go to school.
Favorite Wrestler: none
Sexiest Person Alive: John Cena
Favorite Singer: Jon Micah Sumrall
Favorite Actor: Hugh Grant

hehe...I see some changes in there...lol. Now, lets examine the actual journal...hehe. Right...don't really wanna remember my dating period...hehe.

Well, I'm off to bed now. Just have to make sure I post something everyday now.

Peace Out!
-Gigi

Today I learned a lot about myself, I never knew how much of an inspiring person I am. I don't care if I don't inspire other people, it's me that I inspire and impress. I was looking through my new poetry book, and I was reading through my works. I didn't know how much my words really meant, it's weird how even I can be such an inspiring person.

Since the year is coming to a close, with only one week left. I've been thinking a lot, and I mean deep thinking. I'm not trying to bring up the past, that's not the case at all. I'm looking over this past year in general. How good it's been to me, how much I've changed, how much everyone around me has changed.

I remember my first day being a sophomore. I felt awkward and out of place because I was dressed like a girl, and not in my "normal" guy cloths that the student body was use to seeing me in. I remember Chef freaking out on me because I had gotten out of wrestling. When he heard he felt my head and said "Are you sure you're not running a fevor". Now I look at myself today;

I've already dropped the girly act that I was portraying, I never felt like myself when I dressed like that. I haven't gone back to the guyish cloths, I've just sorta created my own trend. I've gotten into Christian music, and become really religious. When you see me in the hall, I'm not known as "Ginger", but "GiGi". I've grown to be the special person in the school, that all the teachers really like.

This year I feel has been my healing year. I've never been able to let go of my past; I never allowed others to know that, but it still ate at me each and everyday. This year I've somehow started to detach from my past, let it all go. I think it's both a mixture of the people I've grown close to and talked to, and also the fact that I have been counseling myself through my poetry.

I've opened up to people this year, I've revealed a lot of things that I believed that I never would in my entire lifetime. I've shared feelings, regrets, sorrows, and pains with remarkable souls. I've brought joy to the hearts of many, and they have brought life into mine. I've become an important asset to this World, that other's see as an individual that could be of somewhat greatness later on in life.

Sometimes I wonder just how I've been able to enter into this land and be so popular in the eyes of people of greatness? How is it that I've become such a special person, when I'm so selfish? When I go to school, it's for myself to move on over the past; not for anybody else. When I work my hiney off in my work, it's so that I can climb my ladder to success; not to make anyone else feel proud. But why do people feel proud of me, what have I been able to do for them?

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a confused individual. I don't see someone of any special treatment. It's what others say about me that makes me realize that I am this special someone. I am of somewhat higher greatness already. Not just in my academics, but in my knowledge of this World. I'm not perfect, and never will be; I just know that with determination and will power, I can give back to the World with what God has granted me.

Con mucho amor,
Gigi

Well, last night I was putting together my poetry book, and I was using my blog for reference on the meanings behind some of my poems. I ran across the post "Lost My Senses", and I started to bring up old memories, and how I've always been a strong and inspiring person. Lately, I've been very dependent on my teachers, especially Mrs. Parker. That post though, helped me to realize that I don't necessarily need them to survive in this world.

So because of that, I have decided to start using my blog more (that's if I can remember to do so). I want to start keeping it as a journal again, not just for my poems. I want to be able to look back on this in a few months, or maybe even years. I want to remember the things that made me smile, or upset me. So...I'll start of with today.

Like I mentioned earlier, I was working on my poetry book last night. It's titled, "Lazy Days: Poems and Thoughts". I was only able to make one copy because I was low on printer ink. I knew exactly who would receive that copy, Mrs. Parker. I went to school today and gave that to her. I am really impressed with myself lately, I have grown so much these past few months. Emotionally, Socially, Intellectually, and just all around. My writing has matured, and my thoughts have strengthen to being my own. Just looking through some of my older posts, I can tell the difference in my writing. It's amazing how one can change so much.

I know why I've changed so much, it's because I got into poetry a lot. Once I started writing poetry, my English scores increased, my literature developed, and my grammar became the person I am. It's like something that bothers me a lot, I'm actually irritated that some of my friends signed my yearbook, and used the wrong your. It's like "Ginger, Your a cool person." Umm, no... it should be "Ginger, You're a cool person."

Back to today though, I had a meeting at school for the Dual Enrollment students only. Which Dual Enrollment is the option that I took up to be enrolled at my high school, and the community college. I found out that my high school is offering a lot more dual enrollment classes next year. So I went and got my schedule changed. I dropped Executive interning and took up Teaching Assisting and the computer class. Also during the Spring Term, I'm going to try to take the teaching classes. If you haven't noticed, I've decided to persue my goals in the educational field. The principal has already told me that she would hire me to work there. So I'm getting a head start on my degree.

Other than that, nothing else really happened today. I was pulled into a hug by Mrs. Parker, which was weird, but hugs are nice. Yes...I'm changing, hugs don't bother me like they use to.

I'm beginning to feel deeply saddened that the school year is coming to a close. There is only 6 more days left in school, and that isn't enough for me. I wish it didn't have to end, because I feel like some of the friendships that I have gained, might deteriorate over the Summer. I hope that isn't the case though. Plus, next year I won't have Mr. Walker...boo hoo hoo. Well I'm off to work on my independent projects. (I've been doing a lot of those lately).

I've changed my ending saying. It's no longer "Til Then, PeAcE!"
It has become,

Peace Out!
-Gigi

“Prayers”

Sitting all alone, I begin to pray.
“Dear God, don’t let me stray
Hold me in the palm of your hands,
Guide me, and show me your plans.
Lead me in the right direction,
Be my protection.
Remove my mind of wicked suggestions,
Start out by answering my questions.
What has begun to form,
To cause this emotional storm?
Oh dear God, re-enter my heart,
And never depart.”

Back in that day,
Nothing was okay.
I had to make a silent plea.
Just to gain this feeling of being free.
I felt my life begin to slip,
It felt as if my heart beat took a trip.
Down memory lane, I started to stroll,
Continually losing grip of my soul.
Farther and Farther my goals were out of reach.
As I turned my ear, listening to You preach.

Upon hearing, I began to understand,
That none of this was ever planned.
Yet it still continues to rip at my chest,
Eating at my insides, becoming a pest.
I confided in someone I thought cared,
Now I’m not sure if the friendship can be repaired.

Just upon bringing up memories, I’m in tears,
My soul is being washed over with my own fears.
Even after all the years, and all the prayers,
It seems as if not even you really cares.
When I was at my highest point,
You crushed it with much disappoint.
Brought in pain and sorrow,
Wanting me to continue on til tomorrow.
But I didn’t see a point, since you showed no sympathy,
When I was crying down on one knee.

No longer can I remain an Eagle in the sky,
My wings are broken, I can’t continue to fly.
There are thorns rupturing my heart,
Continually tearing me apart.
My soul aches for love,
The love that I have been deprived of.
My soul bleeds for your love,
That I have fallen short of.
I got down to my knee and began to pray,
As my aching grew with each and every day.

“Oh Lord, I have a battered soul,
That I want you to patrol.
Reach all the way in, and take control,
Start to close the gap and fill this empty hole.
Jesus, I have nothing else to say,
Except for that sometimes I lose my way.
I fall deep down into a death trap,
Relinquishing myself from Your only map.
Maybe I can’t accept this life that’s mine,
But you can always reach down and give me a sign.
Show me just why I feel so alone,
Reveal to me the unknown.”

By: Ginger L. Smith
5-15-06